Day 17 - Pickleball tournament

We went to a pickleball tournament on Saturday, and sadly we lost all three games.  One of these days we are going to win a game, I just know it.  But until I clear my head, we will continue to lose.

The problem is much like it was when I was trying to lose weight before I went on Optifast.  I really want to do it.  My mind is focused to do it, but somehow I am lacking something.  I am not sure what it is. 

But like swimming too, you work hard you think you are getting better, but nothing happens, then one day you get in the pool and it all comes together, and there it is, don't know how or why, it just is.

I think that is how the Pickleball will go, one day I will get on the court, and it will all come together, and I will be ready for the next step.  But for now I still am just a beginner no matter what everyone tries to tell me.  I am okay with that because I know that day will come and then watch out.

Day 16 - I had an idea

But now it is gone.  It is amazing how the same thoughts come during this process.  I don't have any new insight into my eating behavior, I know I like food, I know that a little is good a lot is better, I know I don't have hunger cues, none of this has changed since I first did the program in 2010.

I know I won't get to my "dream" weight, I know if I can keep it off for five years I can keep it off forever, I know as I get older my strength will diminish, so the weight won't be that big an impact on my swimming at that time. 

I have wishes, I wish I had never gained the weight.  I wish I had lost in sooner.  I wish I wish I wish.
I think about how different my life would have been if I had never gained the weight.  Maybe I would have started to swim in my 30 or 40's.  Maybe I would have been burned out with swimming by now.  Maybe I would never had cycled across the country, or maybe I would have done it on a yearly basis.  Lots of things I could have done if I was thinner, but I like were I am right now and right here, so maybe the weight put me in the good place.  Maybe.

Day 15-A day late

I am trying hard to write daily, but it seems that life just gets in the way.  I am not exhausted, but it feels like I am running behind.  Everyone finishes up the day, and I still have a day left to go.  I am behind in everything.  Blah...

I don't think it is the lack of nourishment, but I am seem to bonk when I don't feel like I am bonking.    For instance, yesterday at pickleball I got skunked the last two games.  Go hide my head in shame.  I hope that it is just me crashing.  Crashing or not, I am out of step. 

Anyway I am off to play pickleball one more time today.  I hope I can keep from getting skunked today.

Day 14 - Weight Loss

I got on the scale yesterday, and I lost like a half a pound, and I thought to myself, self, that is not very much in a week. 

I figure out how much I will lose by the time I am done with the program, and check to make sure that I am on that trajectory.  However, a one pound loss in the second week is not going to get me to my projected weight loss.  So I adjusted the weight loss for the four months I would be on the program, and came up with a new number.

Problem is I had stated that where I ended up on this last part of the journey is where I would stay.  But if I only lose 20 pounds, will I really be able to wrap my head around the idea that I won't be at that elusive weight goal?  Will I accept the weight and go from there or will I get back on the merry go round?

I do have four months to figure out how I will accept the ending weight.  And if it is only 20 pounds I lose, I will learn to accept it.

Day 13 - Missing K

I have such a busy year planned, and it is just starting in February.  I am missing K so much, and trying to figure out how we can meet up, and I realize that I have planned all these activities for end of my 60th year, but I haven't planned on a visit from K.  I think we need to rectify that.

How does this happen?  Life gets in the way of life.  You know that those that love you will always be there for you, but the year slips into two, and the thought of it slipping into three just doesn't seem right.  It is the same with weight gain, it just creeps up on you until you can't bear it anymore.

Its valentines day, and I think of when we were young we went out and bought matching outfits with matching hats.  Our valentines gift to ourselves.  I still have my outfit, in my closet waiting for me to lose the weight.

Shake it out, K in her pink stripped outfit and me in my black.  We thought we were cool.  Those were the days.

Day 12 - Group

Group was good last night.  Again I can't say what a difference a facilitator makes.  I know that J would be impressed with how it has been run heretofore.

During weigh-in someone asked me how much I had lost, and I said a bit, and she said please tell me.  So I told her.  She started whining that she only lost a pound and she followed the program exactly and now she felt bad.  Dang, live and learn.  Don't ask, don't tell.

I am off to play pickleball today, then home, work, and meeting.

Life is just too busy.

Day 11 - Pickleball

This is such a fun game, but I am so bad at it.  We did a clinic last August, and I was the worse player there.  If you won a drill you moved up, if you lost a drill you moved down.  I started at the last court, and I never - let me repeat - never moved up.  I was in the court for three days.

My skills are definitely better then they were in August, but still I am always the weakest on the court.   It is a silent running conversation in my head, no matter how good my partner is, and no matter how bad my opponent is, I am going to lose.

I sometimes think that I am not as bad as what I play.  Even in fun, noncompetitive play I get really nervous.  For someone who competed as a child, you would think I wouldn't think I would pysch myself out.  But I do.  If I get ahead in the score, I think we will lose the lead, if I get behind in the score I think we will never catch up.  It is a mental game that I always lose.

Yesterday at playing, I played with the advanced intermediates, I did not win.  But at least I was not skunked.  Affirmation that I am not a rank novice, but I sure would like people to say when I walk on the court - HEY T - Please be on my team.

We have a tournament in two weeks, a round robin, we hope to win a few points, but thankfully my partner is not worried about our losing.  TGFSM.

Day 10 - Who Peed on the Bed?

I noticed a faint aroma of urine today, and when I let T out of her Kennel, she sat there smelling the bed.  I thought that is very weird, I haven't really seen her do that before, but oh well. 

Then tonight I got in bed and she jumped up next to me, and I thought jeez she stinks like urine, so I got up and went into the bathroom and washed her.  Headed back to bed, and I still smelled it.  The next culprit was the little brown dog in the kennel, so I put T back in the kennel and got the little brown dog.  Smelled her, and thought well I don't smell anything on her.  So I grabbed the dogs bedding and smelled it, nope.

I shrugged and got into bed and was overwhelmed by the smell.  And there the little brown dog was smelling up the bed.  It finally dawned on me that someone had peed on the bed.  I know slow.

So at 10:00 at night I had to completely strip the bed, I am funny that way.  TH probably would have slept in the pee and not thought a thing about it.  Boys.

Day 9 - What does a morbidly obese person want?

Hope.

When I was tipping the scale of death, I wanted someone to tell me it was possible to lose the weight, to not be morbidly obese, that I could change it.  Over the years I read testimonials of different diets, went on diet boards, looking for threads of people who have over two hundred pounds to lose, and read the success stories.  I thought about their weight loss journey, and how could I make it mine.  I was looking for hope.

Nothing worked, I found that I could not lose weight on my own.  I could lose weight on Jenny Craig, Nutri System, but not Weight Watchers, not where I had to decide what and when I ate. I didn't mind the cutting of the calories, I just wanted someone to tell me what to eat.  I really couldn't decide, and when I couldn't decide, I made bad choices.

This program isn't for everyone, but it was a last gasp for me.  I want to tell the people in my group who are morbidly obese, that they can lose the weight, they can continue to lose the weight even after the product is done, and if they wait, they can do it again and take the remainder off.  The first time through, I lost an additional 60 pounds, but I was doing a meal delivery, and I didn't have to think about the food.  The quality of the food went to crap, and I stopped eating it, so I started to gain the weight back, so I did the program again.  It worked the second time for a few years.  So they need to know how to keep it off, maybe not lose more but keep off the 80 pounds they will probably lose, and then they can do it again.  Maybe the second time would be the motivator to keep it going until they were at goal.

Mine is how do I tell myself what and how much to eat?  That is going to be challenge.    

Day 8 - Group

Well it is the official start of the "active weight loss" and the group is diverse.  Weight wise that is.  We have people who look like they could lose 200 pounds to those that I go huh?  And why are you here? The program states that you have BMI over I don't remember, 30 and have 40 pounds to lose.  Ah well don't judge me is the saying of the day. 

Some changes that surprised me - no tic tacs or sugar free mints.  If it was under 5 calories we could have one.  Now because some people can't just eat one mint or two tic tacs they don't want anyone eating them. 

And they don't want you to do any exercise that will be strenuous.  Start slow, stick to walking, no swimming.  What??  She said that like five times.  I have a feeling it was directed at me, but that just isn't going to happen.  She said it will slow the metabolism down, and I will start losing muscle, and my weight loss will plummet.  We will see.  I will cut intensity maybe for the first couple of weeks, but I will not cut the swimming - or the pickleball.

Then she addressed the stinky breath we will have when we hit ketosis.  But not to worry that won't happen until week 10 or 11.  I seem to recall it hits a lot sooner than that.  No amount of gum of breath mints will hide that stinky breath, she said she smells it on us.  Could you imagine coming into a room with 20 people who have halitosis?  If she can smell it, I wonder if she starts putting vics under her nose around week 11/12?

There was no drama in group, just a general going over rules, and meeting our neighbors.  I think there are still 23 people in the group. 

It will be an interesting final journey.  I am looking forward to the end.  Wherever that may lead.

Day 7 - Pain and agony

Yesterday, because life is short and Thunder deserves happiness and fun, I went for a hike with her.  She is not the easiest dog to go hiking with, she won't go more then ten feet from me and if she is away from me for more then five minutes shes is racing back, not because she can't see me, but just in case I decide to desert her.

I don't know why she has this fear of desertion, I have never deserted her, but she is always circling walking inches in front of me, so I usually trip over her, and I think what a weird dog, most dogs would be long gone running, finding something to traumatize, seeking those nasty smelling whatever (usually something dead), but not this little princess.

Truthfully it has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with what is in my pocket.  No not food, A BALL.  I won't let her play with the ball until we have hiked at least a couple of miles, but within a quarter of a mile she thinks it is time for her to get her reward.  She is so very annoying.

But I digress.  Anyway it was relatively hot out (well for me anyway) and I just brought enough water for her, but I was not that thirsty anyway, it wasn't "that" hot.  I get home, and get caught up in work, kept thinking I should get something to drink, but I just never got around to it.

Then it was time to play pickleball.  I thought I had better have something to eat before I go, or I will bonk.  But I got side tracked and I forgot to grab something.

Pickleball is played in a gym, and it is hot, and nobody wanted to play with me, so I was playing singles, with someone much better than I and losing badly, he had me running from one end of the court to another, and slamming all the shots down my throat.  After an hour, I was dripping sweat on the gym floor and he asked if I wanted to get some water.  I said I was good, because I had no water with me, I forgot my food - I forgot my water.

I finished up and left for home, and felt a little twinge in my leg.  Not to bad, figured I would get home, get something to drink, shower and go to bed.  I got home with no incident and showered had something to eat and drink and headed to bed.

Five minutes in bed both my legs, my foot, my hand and my back started to spasm/cramp.  My eye started twitching and I was all but paralyzed with pain.  Screaming and swearing, begging Ted to come downstairs to help me, he was weirdly silent, and the pain did not subside anytime soon.  In fact Thunder went and hid under the bed. 

By the time I got the cramps under control, I just knew I was going to be in for a bad day of swimming the next morning.  And I was.  The cramps came early in the workout, and I didn't get my full workout in, but hey, I am not cramping now.

Day 6 - Dog gone it

My sweet baby girl is a pest.  If my trainer saw her right now she would be shaking her head in her hands.  She constantly wants to play.  Play play play.  They call it high drive.  I call it annoying.  In the course of a day I will have socks, balls, frisbees, shoes, any dirty clothes left out, paper, and stuffed animals dropped at my feet.  Please mom play with me. 

The trainer says training is the key.  Training will tire her out.  But it tires me out before it tires her out.  Most of the time she is compliant, but those times when she gets a bee in her bonnet, it becomes a bit stressful.  I am not suppose to get frustrated and just keep at the command, but once I get frustrated the training goes off the rails. 

Like the place and down command.  So I put her in place and say down, she is suppose to stay there until I release her.  But there are times that I put her in the down command and a minute later she will get up and go hide.  Seriously she hides.  Sometimes it is easier to get to her than others, but at this point she is in full mode disobedience.  I am calm in the beginning telling her to go back to her place.   After about 10 tries, I realize that she is not going to follow my command, so then it is just plain come. 

But now she is in full blown I don't have to listen to you, and I am not going to do anything you say.  So from a calm, T Come, it becomes, YOU STUPID DOG, COME WHEN I TELL YOU TO COME, COME, COME, COME.  ARGHH.  And she sits there looking at me like I have been beating her.

I grab her put the leash on her, and lead her to her place not saying a word, just seething, and she suddenly is compliant.  As the frustration dissipates, I free her, and the next thing I know I have a sock in my lap.

I need more training.

Day 5 - Early Start

I have always tried to start the program about three days early, just to take off the weight that I gained as I have said goodbye to food.  This time I DID NOT eat a whole cake, or ice cream, but we went out to dinner on Friday for our anniversary, and though the food might not have been the best I held nothing back.  I had 4100 calories for the day.    Oops.  However 2800 of it was dinner - maybe more.

I had planned on starting today, and of course that means no latte.  I struggled with that this morning.  I am not official on product, so maybe a latte wouldn't hurt?  I have probably five months that I won't be able to have a latte, so maybe I should indulge and have that latte.  Latte. No latte.  Latte.  No latte.

I made this commitment and so it is no latte.   Blah.

But on a sour note, I was informed by TH (the T that is human that lives in the house with me) that I would lapse and have a latte at least once in the first month.  When I got mad I was informed it was a tacit to get me to stay the course.  - Yea right.  When have I ever not stayed the course on this portion of it?

Well we are off to a 7 year old bowling birthday party.  No cake for me.

Day 4 - Annubis and Siri

I follow a police officer on Instagram because his Instagram is all about his 4 Malinois (well three and one who thinks they are).  The dogs are amazing, and it is so wonderful to see the love between the human and the dogs.  It is the only reason I check in daily with the Instagram account to get a update on the lives of these four beautiful animals.  Over the year, I feel that I personally know them.  I have watched them race up a hill, I have watched them train, climbing on roofs, trees, catching balls midair.  I have watch as one has healed from surgery, and scraps and cuts.   It was a pleasure to see the world through their eyes.  They lived fully.

Yesterdays post was tragic.  Two of these beloved animals died in a hiking accident.  They were relative young (one I think was three) and the post sent me reeling.  The depth of my emotion on the loss of these dogs I didn't know surprised me.  The hurt the owner must be going through is unimaginable.  But one thing I do know, they had a good life.

I am not being trite here.  I know most people who owns dogs don't like to stimulate the dog, and the dog lies around in the house all day, and maybe gets a walk once a day.  Most dogs don't get to use all their senses, don't get to use all their energy, don't get to live the best that they can.  People love their dogs, but most could do so much more for them, give them so much more of a fuller life.  These two dogs got all of that.  They got to run, and think, and love, and eat.  They had a most remarkable life, no matter how short it was. 

I will miss the daily update, but I am glad I got to know them from afar.

Day 3 - Booking Flights

I always am paralyzed when booking flights.  It is such a stressful situation for me, and when I make that final decision and push pay, I feel a little rush.  Is it because I made a decision, or because I realize I am really going on the trip?  Maybe the indecision and stress of getting those airline tickets are due to the fact that I am committing myself to a trip, and it is exciting and scary.

For ten years travel was difficult, and I did everything I could to avoid it at all costs.  So there is definite residual fear of traveling that I have.  I stress out checking in, going through security and boarding, and going to the bathroom on the plane.  For short hops going to the bathroom is not an issue, I can hold it a looong time.  But international flights, nope, have to go at least once.  And because you are suppose to drink alot while on the plane, I should be going more often, but I try not to drink too much to keep that bathroom run to a minimum, but then I worry about clots - argh.

And then the farting.  I fart a lot anyway, but I learned that air travel naturally causes gas, so yea my fartiness just gets worse.  And keeping it from invading the whole cabin, well lets just say my farts smell like roses (not).

Then I have to worry about getting to the destination, like on this trip, we have to take a ferry to an island, than take another ferry to another island, and the ferries like only run once a day, and ...

It is the adventure of it all.