No weight loss this week

So I am exactly the same weight as I was at the beginning of the week.  Generally I start to freak out Monday when I haven't lost anything, but I got up this morning and was .3 pound more then I was last Thursday.  I am eating what I am suppose to eat, but more fruit than allowed.  I am having about 100 calories more in fruit, but about 100 calories less in veggies, so it all evens out.

I can't worry about it.  I haven't done anything wrong, I am in the calorie range that they want us in, I am eating the prescribed food, I can't do anything else.

But I am disappointed.  I was hoping to get down to a certain weight, and I am not going to get to that weight before I leave.  And I just hope that I don't come back 10 pounds heavier.  This is very stressful for me and I am feeling very sorry for myself.

Oh well I have 12 hours to lose 3 pounds.

I am cooking (sort of)

I am ordering Chef'd and making the meals without oil.  With good pans the food doesn't stick too bad, and I don't miss the oil (at least not yet).  But the guilt, it is horrible.

And even though I am staying well within the calories following the plan, I am prepared to gain weight.  I am afraid to weigh myself.  And If I don't gain weight the internal conversation is am I okay at this weight?  I don't think I can lose anymore weight unless I am eating 960 calories.  So if I can maintain the weight at 1200, am I okay with what I weigh now?

It isn't my plan.  I really want to lose the final 45 pounds.  It will make a huge difference.  If I lose 16 more pounds I will no longer be classified as obese, just overweight.  I would like that.  Oh well, I suppose I should weigh myself, but I am afraid, so afraid.  Like "don't go in the basement" afraid.

Shucks

Third week of Transition

Yesterday we got to add 80 calories of fruit, 100 calories of dairy and 100 calories of protein.  I forgot to get the food so I didn't get all my allotted food yesterday, but I did/will today.  Today I had yogurt with blueberries and I bought cherries and grapes and watermelon.  I had one grape, one cherry and once slice of watermelon just to taste, and that all came to 17 calories or there about.  They were unplanned bites, and I can't do unplanned food, that is the slope I always go down, and I can't always get back up.

It brings the total of calories from 1045 from prior week to about 1165.  I worry that my metabolism is so low, that I will gain a pound a week, I know that I didn't gain the weight eating 1165 calories, but that is 200 more than I have been eating, and I am barely losing as is.

This whole transition is very very stressful.  We will see how the weight loss is this week.

Swimsuits again

 had mentioned earlier that I probably needed to get a swimsuit that wasn't all stretched out, but I really didn't think anyone noticed.  But Today L told me that I needed to get a new suit.

I was like oh my goodness I am showing too much in the pool and she is embarrassed for me.  I looked down and finally asked her if it was coming down, maybe showing too much?  All she said was it needs to be tighter.

I guess my sagging body needs to be held in place.  I know that the swimsuits is stretched out, I wore it when I was 60 pounds heavier, but I thought it was holding up okay.  So I have a quandary.    Do I go a size smaller and stretch it out, because I am planning on losing another 40 pounds, or do I go with the same size?  I tried on a smaller size, I got it on and it seemed to be okay, but I am so use to wearing it a little loose now I don't know.  If it crawls up my butt it is too small.  I don't want to get in the pool and find out while swimming.  That just isn't fun.  Swimming your heart out with a wedgy.

I do have a swimsuit a size smaller that I wore before, but the seam is starting to be pulled taut.  I remember seeing a picture of a woman who had split her racing suit before her swim.  I don't want my swimsuit splitting.  What to do what to do.  I am not at goal, I don't want to buy any clothes, I was hoping they would hold up.  Ack...

Faking it

I have an e collar for my dog and she obeys me when it is on, not so much when it is off.  She has this tendency to scream whenever her father gets up, moves, comes downstairs, sit down.  I don't know if it is in excitement, or nervous or what.  But the screams are piercing and the only way to shut her up is to correct her with the e-collar.

When she is corrected she gives this pitiful yelp like I am really really hurting her, and I try hard not to correct her too often since she is a very very sensitive girl.  It breaks my heart when I hear this little yelp of pain, and I think I am the cruelest mom in the world.  And then when I call her over to me after I correct her she is just so full of love and kisses, she is the most forgiving dog in the world.

Yesterday I put the e-collar on for the first time in a while because she tore her pads and she hadn't been feeling well the last couple of days.  She did her screaming bit, and I corrected her and she yelped.  The correction was a  bit high so I gave her some loves, and she of course forgave me.  We had a quiet night, she screamed only a little when her dad came down and I gave her another small correction and she quieted right down.  She really is an amazing dog, now if only I could get her to stop screaming without the e-collar.

But wait!!!  When I got up this morning I took off the e-collar and lo and behold I had forgotten to turn it on.  I had been snookered.  She played me.  How long has she been playing me?  I know that I do a verbal correction, than a e-collar correction, so she knows it is coming, was it a true play, or is it Pavlovian?  Hell do I ever need to turn the e-collar on again?    The mind of a dog is an interesting thing.

Observations

One of the things that I have observed is that I am careful when I eat.  It is very important to me to have something to eat in the evening, and so I make sure that I have food left for the evening.  I still will occasionally go to the kitchen, but I am aware of it, and when I do I generally change directions to the tea kettle.

I also note that when I am craving food, if I have a bar the craving tends to go away.  Driving mom home from the casino I stopped and got her a hamburger, but before I did I ate a bar and I had no desire for the hamburger.

I have no cravings right now for sweets.  Maybe when you have just enough calories to survive on your body takes over and craves foods with nutrients rather than - what?  Quick energy?

I feel guilty after eating real food.  I think I am cheating or something and I worry that I have the calories wrong, or I am eating too much.  Even with putting the ingredients into my fitness pal I still worry that I have it wrong.

A single serving of chicken I bought was 6 ounces, I was going to eat it all, but I only ate half.  I was full, I ate lots of veggies, and couldn't eat the whole 6 ounces.  I was very surprised how much I liked the veggies, steamed with nothing.

Eat your veggies first.  I have always eaten in the order of what I don't want to what I want.  Sometimes I couldn't eat all of what I wanted, but most of the times it wasn't a issue.  Now with the shrinking of the stomach (who said your stomach doesn't shrink?) you really do get overfull.

It is really really hard to find food that does not have some oil in it.  I am curious what it will be like with oil?  The smell of oil in fast foods doesn't smell that awesome.

I am becoming a bit of a food nazi?  Not yet, but it might happen.  I found myself telling T to put the damn waffles back.  Not pretty.

Where's my latte

I had decided from the first that I was going to never have another latte, my downfall, my Achilles, and I don't need it.  But...

As we get closer and closer to being back in the "real" world of food, I have been thinking more and more about my morning lattes.  Mornings were just so good, come in from a hard swim and sit down with my delicious latte.  I loved my morning routine with my morning latte.

I know they can be a bit caloric.  I figured 250 calories maybe more (I add whipped cream to them), and if I add breakfast to that it becomes a 500-600 calorie meal.  And I have never really considered lattes food, more like happiness in a cup.  I have tried to get the same pleasure by having a cup of tea, but it just isn't the same.  And so I have been bargaining.

IF I swim more then 3000 yards in the morning I can have a latte.  Or if I swim in the morning I can have a latte?  Or if I just have the latte for breakfast, or maybe breakfast and lunch?  IF I take my dog for a walk everyday I can have an additional latte (two) on Sunday?  Or if I swim, walk and gym I can have two lattes?   Or if I...

A latte would be really nice about now.

Okay rant

So I think it is pretty universal that you have a tendency to compare yourself to others.  I know I have seen large women and thought I am not as large as they are.  The truth may be that yes I am as large as they are, we deceive ourselves and have no true idea what we look like.

I hated cameras because they gave me a true image of myself and I hated that image.  When I look in the mirror I don't see the full cheeks, the jowls, the double chin, the squinty eyes, I don't see that, I see just me.  And now when I look in the mirror I don't see the weight loss, though the scale tells me so.  And I go by the scale.  The scale says I have lost 53 pounds, and I know that I still need to lose at least 50 more.

J says that she needs to lose 25 more pounds, I see her close to goal, she looks normal weight to me, and I think okay maybe if I lose 25 pounds I will look like I am close to normal weight, and yes I probably need to lose twice as much as she does to get to the same place.  But sometimes people say that they have such and such to lose and you look at them and think what planet are you on?  Really that is all you need to lose?  I then I think how petty are you.  Maybe they weigh light.  I know I am a bit denser then most, and I am always surprised at times at how little some weigh when I would have guessed much heavier.

One friend looks large, but she was born with a tiny chin, so she has a perpetual double chin, she looks heavy in the face, but really she is only about 20 pounds overweight.  Some people carry all the weight in visible places and you see the weight, but others carry it all over and it is harder to see them.  A 200 pound person who carries it in the stomach you would say she is obese, a 200 pound person who carries it evenly distributed you would consider overweight.  I carried it in my stomach until I had a tummy tuck.  Now it is all in my thighs, I can hide my thighs.  Nobody needs to know. Of course that doesn't work when I am swimming.

Still, I think people don't tell the truth when saying how much they need to lose, and if I am not being petty I guess that is okay.

I wish I was like everybody else

Well we ate our first real food, and most people found that it was way too much food.  Me I thought I could have handle a bit more.  I hate veggies, but the veggies were to die for, and the dry chicken yummy!!!  Three/four ounces doesn't cover much of even my salad plate.  And I realize that I haven't come that far.  I can eat and eat and eat.  These four months has not changed me that much.  Everyday is going to be a challenge, but I am up for at least today.

It is our last med check, and then we have another week with only 4 ounces of protein before we graduate to 6 ounces.  I like six ounces better then four ounces, but I think it is suppose to be spread over two meals.  Heck with that, I am eating in one meal.

And on top of that I worry about the scale not going down.  I have pretty much averaged 3 pounds a week, and adding the additional calories will it continue to decrease?  I want to eat, I want to lose, I want to be healthy.

Well at least I have my puppy.

Food

So I had a chicken kebab from Omaha Steak and they said that the calories were 130.  I believed them.  Until I realized that most of the chicken kebab was chicken, very little veggies.  So if chicken is 50 calories an ounce and their is 6 oz of chicken that is not 130 calories.  Or maybe that kebab was suppose to feed three people?  I might have eaten 4.5 oz of it, but I am not sure.  I gave the remaining chicken to my beloved dog who scarfed it down.

So worse case scenario I ate 250 calories rather than 200 calories.  That is okay, but I couldn't even taste it so I felt a little cheated.  And eating when I really didn't want to eat was also a bit unsettling.  I kept thinking this is the start of the end cause I am eating even though I am not hungry and I really don't want to eat.  And isn't that the problem I eat when I am not hungry.  I eat to eat.  Not a great way to start off.  Suddenly product is looking really good.  Maybe if I just give up food forever and just eat optifast...

I am scared, I have been successful on the optifast, can I stay success without it?  I don't know.  Time will tell.  Problem is I have told everyone I am doing this, and now if I fail at this juncture everyone will know.  I shouldn't have told anybody, then my failure wouldn't be noticed.  BAH.

Sick

I just hate being sick.  Colds are the worse.  And now right before we are allowed to put solid food in our tummies I won't even be able to taste it.  Well maybe it won't be bad.  Tired is all I am now with a little runny nose and a little sore throat.

I got my last lab test, worried that I would have high white count, but no I was fine.  I am waiting impatiently for the housekeeper to go so I can quietly slip into bed.  I have to be up early tomorrow to swim, dentist and evan and ending the day with group.  Only to do it all over again on Friday.

But Friday I get to eat something other than bars I get to eat CHICKEN!!!!  I love chicken, I don't care if its rubber and dry, I get to eat it.  And hopefully I won't freak out like I did last time.  Is it to much am I going to gain weight because I ate something other than product.  Oh dear what am I going to do.

It is here, and I am so not ready for it.  I have loved not having to think about what I am going to eat.  I love not have to make decisions.  I knew the time would come, but now that it is here, can we push it back a few months?  I am not ready to make decisions.  I am a Libra, Libras don't make decisions.

On Saturday I will have eaten my first real food in 16 weeks.  Scary.

New Facilitator new manager new program?

Well last Thursday we found out our facilitator and program manager were both leaving - today.  We talked with the manager for a bit, and got an idea on what their philosophy was, which made a difference on how I perceived the program.

I had been thinking that it was pretty haphazard, but listening to her explaining why they are telling people to eat as much product as they want etc... is actually a fairly well thought out idea.  Especially for those who have a tendency to eat off product.  It was nice to hear the reasoning behind it.

The new facilitator is something else.  She was sure of herself and actually seemed to know what she was talking about.  In the old program we were told to limit frozen dinners due to the high sodium content in them.  With our old facilitator she said our option was to have frozen dinners, she didn't know anyone in our group that was on a low sodium diet blah blah blah so that would be a good choice for us.  I am guessing our new facilitator will not recommend frozen entrees as a mainstay of our diet.

I learned more from her in the hour she spoke then the whole 16 weeks of our other facilitator.  She talked about the foods, the prep, the things to look out for.  As K said we really need a nutritionist at this time especially with the transition.   We got lucky I think.

Last week of full product and other thoughts

So this upcoming week is the last week of all product and then we move to food, sort of.  I am very very nervous about this transition.  I hope that it is my last, but also I am thinking why don't I just redo the program one last time and get it all over with.  Finish the program and start maintenance immediately.  Why do I have to waste all this time trying to lose weight then figure out maintenance.   I am going to have to figure out to eating habits in the next six months, one weight loss one maintenance.  Wouldn't it just be easier to do the program again and hit maintenance straight on.  Yea, but I really don't know if I can do another 16 weeks on this program.  I have been the one counting down the days.  I am the one who can't wait for real food.  But I also don't want to hassle with figuring out how to lose weight.  My brain hurts.

I think I am about 5/6 pounds away from my mini goal.  This goal was the weight I started when I had a bet with my dad back in 1983/4?  I was horrified at my weight and when I got on the scale I just cried and cried.  I couldn't believe I was so heavy.  I won the bet.  I kept it off, with a few back-slides, but pretty much was the same weight from 83-91.   Now I am just as happy as a lark to be getting to that weight.  Hell if I had stayed at the weight I would have been happy.

Both E and L are asking me what now?  Umm well I still have a shitload of weight to lose, so other than have a couple hundred more calories, just the same, product, product product dinner.  Then when I get back from Europe I am doing a diet delivery, hopefully for just a few months until I learn to cook and then we will see at that time.  But I am looking at the end of the year.   Seems so long, yet when I am not watching my weight I notice that time just flies by.  

For me it was a very long 16 weeks, but also seems to have gone by in  a blink of an eye.  And life just keeps rolling on.

Swim suit

So I kind of stretched out my swim suit, and now it is too loose.  It suppose to be tight and hold all that flab in place, but since allowed it to grow with me it isn't tight enough so even though I know it isn't coming down, it feels like it.

But trying to put the same size on new it is a bit a hop and a jump.  The suit is holding up and hopefully it will hold up until I can fit into a new suit without the help of a crowbar.

But buying clothes isn't really high on my to do list.  I have a few sizes to lose before I am at "goal" weight and to buy clothes in-between doesn't seem logical.

My baby sister posted about throwing or keeping clothes that she has out grown and so that ever present debate of keep or throw continues.  If you throw then you are saying I am going to stay this way and I am not going to gain it back, but as statistics show most people gain it back.

If the question is at the back of you mind, I think that you are unsure whether or not you will keep it off, and if you are unsure, then you won't keep it off.  Even if you do get rid of the clothes, and you are unsure you are more likely then not to need those clothes in the future.  BUT, I say toss the clothes.  Be brave, if you need to buy bigger clothes in the future, buy them, but don't keep a crutch around.  Don't keep cigarettes in the freezer once you have quit.  What is the point?  How does that help that you have it in the house?  Bah get rid of it.

And maybe by getting rid of it you will become less unsure.  Success comes with surety.

Biking?

So I have finally gotten back on the bike and I feel like I  did when I first started riding.  I see a hill and I am like "oh hell no".

As we did our morning ride yesterday, I watched as cyclist after cyclist passed me like I was standing still.  I mean I wasn't going like 8 mph, but I was not going at their pace.  My immediate response is what snots.  I mean really...

But I couldn't bring myself to chase them.  Not even a little.  I had a hill to think about, and I haven't done hills for 3 years.  Granted the hill was short (pimple size), but it was a hill.

So I started out with 10 miles went up to 12 miles then 17 miles, I have no idea what yesterday was, I think 16 miles, and I am going to try 24 with a big big hill on Wednesday.  I know I didn't use to think it was a big hill.  I didn't think it was a hard ride, but I am a little nervous about that hill on Wednesday, and then there is the dreaded mile, a one mile rolling hill in the middle of the ride, that even in the best of shapes I have found hard to ride.

I will tell my darling sister to go up the hill and leave me behind and I will see her when I see her.  She is a mountain goat who finds hills about as difficult as most people find the flats.  If you never hear from me again, I come looking for me out in Lafayette, I might be lying in some gutter with the bike camouflaging me.