Year End

As the year comes to a close, I decided that I would finish my diet journey, wherever that may take me.  I am tired of constantly trying to lose weight.  I finished the program with 40 pounds to lose and now I have 50. 

But every time I over indulged it was the same thought.  I have to diet anyway, so I don't have to be so careful.  But like last time it adds up, and I just want off this roller coaster.

This is day three, and I am already trying to talk myself out of it.  I know the protocol, and I plan to do the program, with a couple of modifications.  I am taking two days off in January for food commitments I have already  made and I am taking the trip to Montana off, because it is just too difficult when a trip plans on feeding you. 

But already it is like I promise I will stay in my calories I just want an apple...popcorn...well that is it for now, I need to reread the first days of the last try.  Is this too hard?  Am I going to need to do it through Kaiser or can I do it myself.  We are only on day three.  I just don't know.

What to write?

I feel I have exhausted this weight loss dialogue, and I am just repeating things that I have already said over the course of eight years.

I have my weight sneaking back up, and I know that I have to take care of it before it is a full blown problem, but one of the downsides of this diet is that it doesn't really help with the weight loss maintenance. 

But that is the problem with all diets.  How to keep it off?  So we go to lifestyle class, and we are accountable to our peers, should be able to talked about our downfalls and the pitfalls of the real life eating.  But in reality we talk about goals and lofty ideals.  What is your goal for the week?  Lose 3 pounds.  How are you going to lose that 3 pounds?  By cutting back on calories.  How are you going to cut back on calories?  By planning my meals and sticking to it.  Sounds like a plan get back to us when next week.

So the conversation ends. 

Or another conversation that is heard all the time.

I do good for the day then I come home and eat. 

So what can you do to stop from eating when you get home.

Drink water.

Go for a walk.

Read a book.

Have some vegetables.

Don't have food in the kitchen.

Do something to distract you.

Eat but do it mindfully.

And you say, good ideas, I will try them, thanks.

But really you come home tired and hungry, whether from stress or you didn't have enough time to eat.  Those things to do may help you once in a while, but the pull to eat is so very strong.  It doesn't sustain me into a change of behavior.  Changing behavior is not done in a week or a month or a year.  It took a lifetime to develop the behaviors we have now, what makes us think we can wake up one morning and say we are going to change this behavior?  We won't.  We don't.  That is why the weight doesn't stay off.

We have to find what works to change our behavior.  Ever train a dog?  There are two camps, reward and punishment.  Which am I?


    

Running

One of my activities for my birthday was to run a 5K without stopping.  I have done a number of race walks, and run/walk, but I have never run a 5K without stopping.  I was planning on training for it, and work my way up to it from signing up in May to now.  But I didn't train.  I didn't run, I didn't even walk that much, and here I am with the day in front of me, and I had told myself that I would run the whole thing...I was screwed.

So I thought okay I can walk 3.1 miles, no big deal.  I will just walk it.  Then I started to think, geez that will take like 45 minutes.  I didn't really feel like walking, it just seemed like too much energy.  So I decided I was going to do a really slow jog, and I knew I could do a mile, so I was going to do a mile jog and see how I felt at the end of the mile.

I started back with the walkers, and slowly made my way to the front of the walkers and saw the joggers in front of me.  I didn't want to pass any of the joggers in fear that they would pass me immediately after I passed them.  I hate being passed.  So I tagged on to the back of the pack. 

Slowly the back of the joggers started walking and I had to pass them.  I made it to the 1 mile mark still running, still not dying, so I figured I could do another 1/2 mile. 

At the turnaround  I was okay, so I thought if I can make it to the mile mark again, maybe I can do the whole thing. 

I did manage to do the whole run, did it  with minimum damage to my aging body, and I was really really proud.  I had never in my life - ever - even as a child - run 3 miles.  Never.  And I had said that I would never run - ever.  I hate running.  My body is not built for running.  But I did run it and I didn't die, and I am here writing about it. 

So I went on-line to see what my pace was, and found it was 12 minute mile.  Sigh* the last 3K I did that I walked was 11:45 minute mile.  Sigh.

But I ran it.

Birthday

Today is my birthday and I plan to celebrate today tomorrow and Saturday.  Then I am planning on working to lose more weight.  Fear of performance failure is strong in my head.  If I eat 1200 calories I will not be able to physically work as hard as I would like.

But I keep thinking about product.  I was able to exercise on product at 960 calories.  According to fitbit and myfitness pal, a normal day for me of burning calories is 2700.  I eat about that much and I have been maintaining.  But can I cut it back?  Do I want to cut it back?

This upcoming week will tell.

Fat shaming

I just watched a video on Facebook that was it looks like produced by REI.  They were focusing on a ultra marathoner who was overweight and while she was on a break from a 50K she got an email from someone who told her how disgusting she was to call herself a marathoner. 

She didn't start crying or berating herself, she said yes it hurt, and yes she was slow, and yes maybe she walked/ran the 30+ miles, but she did it.

I can't even imagine walking/running 30 miles in a day.  The half marathons I have walked have left my feet mangled, and the night cramping.  Here is the only thing I have to say to this woman - you are crazy.

How can anyone find an ultra fun?  I would be sick a whole week before hand and come the day of probably cry all the way to the starting line.  Would I finish?  I don't know.  It isn't something I am ever going to have to figure out because I am never ever going to walk 30 miles in one day.  Ever.

But the point was REI put up this video, and reading the comments it was determined that REI does not/did not carry plus sizes in the past, and now they are expanding into some plus sizes, but not in most of the brick and mortar stores.  On-line sales.  I have been to REI.  I have tried on some of there clothes, some fit, some don't, but generally I get men's, they fit, they have large, XL and XXL for men.  It is okay for the men to have large sizes, just not the women.  It is the way of the world.

I am no athlete

Today at pickleball I realized people don't see me as an athlete.  They look at T2 and automatically conclude that she is athletic (which she most definitely is) but no one mistakes me for being an athlete.  And sometimes I wonder.  I am probably one of the youngest on the court and I periodically get my butt beat.

I can't compete with T2 when it comes to cycling, running or playing pickleball.  And my guess would be if she took up swimming I wouldn't be able to compete with her there either.  She is by far the better athlete, and no matter how hard I try I can't keep up.  But I am at one disadvantage when it comes to running and biking, I weigh a bit more then she does.  But that doesn't explain pickleball.

But I am thinking...I have never played a ball sport, and I was horrible at ping pong (actually I hated ping pong because I was so bad) that I rarely played.  So I don't have a "natural feel" for a racket game, but can it be learned?  I don't know, I am having fun trying, but I worry worry worry that people are going to complain about my playing if I don't improve.  It makes me nervous.  How long can I say I am a novice.

I look soft.  I think that is what it is.  I don't look like I am strong.  I don't have a runners/cyclist body, and it is that body type or the weight lifters type that makes people think one is strong and athletic.  There is physical and a mental softness that emanates from me that throws people off.  And that is because I am very very gentle.  A gentle giant like my Taya with a heart of a warrior who doesn't want to hurt anyone.  Now how does that work?

I might not be the fastest or best in these sports, but my heart say I am an athlete and I have the beats to prove it. 

Hurry up and wait

We live in a society that sets dates and times and admonishes you if you are late, but few admonishes those whose appointment you are there not late to see.

For instances a doctors office will tell you to get there 15 minutes early, but then it will be a miracle if they see you within 15 minutes of your appointment time.  I have waited over an hour at the doctors office even though I had been there on time.

And it is always the same with them.  I had an emergency.  Seems every time I go see my general practitioner they were having an emergency.  And if I get up and leave?  I will have to do it all over again the next time. 

But it isn't just businesses.  I remember my husband pulling this on me all the time.  I will meet you at the car at 5:00.  An hour later still on sign of hubby.  I am a slow learner, that happened to me a lot the first couple of years we were together.  I was always on time or a little early, he was always making me wait.

Even hairdressers make you wait.  I had a standing appointment and always I would wait 10-15 minutes.  Always an excuse, but never did I get in on time.

Planes, trains, buses.  All the same.  Except maybe Bart.  Bart seems to be on time unless someone tries to kill themselves.  All requires that you get there on time and wait.

And now court.  I have been called as a prospective juror many times.  The set a time that we are to be at the courtroom, and we get there then we wait.  We wait and wait and wait. 

Someone needs to tell doctors, lawyers, accountants, hairdressers, and transportation, our time is valuable too.  We have other things we could be doing rather than waiting in your uncomfortable waiting areas.  I used to be so very punctual.  It is a hard habit to break, I still try and show up when I am suppose to, but sometimes I think if I finish up what I am doing right now and I am 15-20 minutes late then I would be arriving just in time.  Unless of course this is the one time they can see me when appointed and I lose said appointment.  SH.

Down the stairs backwards

Yesterday I was walking down to bart and this lady was struggling with her suitcase as abled bodied men passed her by.

I couldn't stand it, so I offered to carry the suitcase up.  As I grabbed the suitcase the woman said careful it is heav...oh.  Yes it was not heavy, in fact it probably weighed as much as my backpack, but I smiled at her and bounded up the stairs.

I got to the top and she is standing there with shock in her eyes as I look at her.  I am thinking gee she thinks I am superwoman, but she says quietly, I am going down.  I laughed and brought it back  down the stairs thinking why she didn't use the escalator only now realizing it was an up escalator. 

Poor woman probably thought her visit was going to be marred by this big old woman stealing her suitcase.  I am sure I think it is funnier then she does.

Take back

I got some flack for yesterdays post.  Okay I understand everyone struggles with weight.  It doesn't matter what your weight most people work at it.  I understand that some people have body dysmorphia.

My rant was to/about a specific person.  Who gave me advice on how to lose weight.  The rant was not nice and I recall it.

On writing

I started this blog to help me keep to the program.  If I wrote everyday and confessed my sins, maybe I would stick to the program.  But I didn't have a problem sticking with the program. 

So I started the second blog in hopes that I would be accountable for keeping the weight off.  The blog was meant/is meant to help with this journey, the hardships the failures and the successes. 

But it isn't a how to blog.  Like what was said in class and what has been said throughout this blog one sized does not fit all.  We have to find our own way to weight loss and maintenance.  The second being by far the hardest.  And I struggle.

But I am going to be going to a writing retreat in February, and I thought maybe I would clean up the first blog and see what I could do with it.  It isn't about the journey to weight loss, it is about being overweight. 

I saw a post on facebook with a before and after picture of a woman who said she struggles with weight.  She is applauding herself for losing 30 pounds.  Hmm.  The picture does not show a 30 pound weight loss.  I know what a 30 pound weight loss is and that wasn't it.  I personally only saw maybe her neck was a touch smaller.  Even though people may not be able to tell when I lose 30 pounds if I put a before and after picture up I am sure people will be able to tell the difference. 

Furthermore, she was did not appear overweight in either picture.  I also happen to know that she just had a baby about six months before the before picture, so... I was little annoyed with her pictures and posts. 

But that doesn't mean that she doesn't have a bad self image.  Most women struggle with body image, even if they have the perfect body.  But for those who are not truly overweight do not know the real struggle the obese have with society.  If you are 5'7" and weigh 130 don't tell me you are overweight.  You are not.  You may not like where the fat settles, but you are not overweight.  You don't belong in our club.  You haven't walked in our shoes.  And you are so lucky not to belong in our club.  Calling yourself fat slaps us all in the face.  I will never weigh 130, so does that mean I will always be fat in your eyes? 

Problem is this -  normal weight people don't want to know all the other stuff, and for those who are obese already know the other stuff they just want the solution.    Oh Well it was a thought. 

New Goal

So yesterday we had to write down a goal for the week.  Everyone has there own struggles, but my is always overeating.  Just because I did this program does not mean that my stomach shrunk.  Nope if a stomach really stretches, my is all stretched out and has no more rebound power.  Kind of like an old pair of pjs were the elastic band got stretched out one to many times, and now just falls around your ankles.

My goal this week was to eat 1600 calories.  It sounded good when I was writing it, but now I am having second thoughts.  1600 calories just doesn't seem enough.  I have had my breakfast and lunch and thinking I only have 600 calories left today.  I inputted my food last night, but now that I am sitting here, the lunch wasn't that good and I am not that keen on the dinner.  Oh well.  One day at a time.

I have my personal trainer at 5 so I just have to worry about now to 4:30.  Have my 600 calories when I get home and I can go to bed.  Sleep the best diet helper ever.

Long Hard Day

Life sometimes just isn't fair.  I wanted to be on a jury, but I wanted to be on the jury not a damn alternate.  Phooey.  Now I have to spend five weeks  listening and I don't even get to deliberate.  And it screws up my whole exercise routine.  And food routine.  BLAH>

The first day of jury selection I came straight from swimming, and I forgot water, food basically everything, so I need to be careful for the next few weeks to ensure that I have food and water or I will be eating my way through the food court at Westfield.

The first day I went to the mall via 6th street.  It was horrible.  Shit on the sidewalk (I am sure it wasn't dog shit) the street itself smelled like an uncleaned bathroom, and I was wondering where were those public bathrooms that the city put around?  Not on 6th.

I walked back on 5th street, which was much nicer.  The homeless even have tents, and some of those tents looked well cared for. 

Anyway since I have a hour and a half for lunch I just walked around.  So I am definitely going to get my 10,000 steps in at least.

Back to the beginning Can you be addicted to food?

In group people equate overeating with addiction.  Is overeating an addiction.  I have been of the firm belief that it is not an addiction, but a habit, or it is an addiction, but we as a species will perish without this "drug" called food.

Food taste good, it has to be or we wouldn't want to eat.  We are not the only species that will overeat, but we are the only species that has enough food to overeat.  Also are survival is not wrapped up in whether or not we are fat.  A feral fat cat probably won't last too long in the wild.  That tasty morsel won't be able to run fast enough away from those evil coyotes, or so not fast enough to catch those pesky rodents, so the cat has to survive lean and mean.

But I digress are we addicted to food?  In the simplest terms - yes.  Every single human being has to eat or they will go through withdrawals and die.  We have to eat, and we have to want to eat.  How does someone handle not being able to taste or smell?  They lose interest in food.  Ever had a head cold and couldn't taste or smell anything.  I have, and I have always lost weight, cuz I just don't want to eat.  Pleasure is in the taste for me not the eating.

So every human is addicted to food, what makes those who eat too much more addicted then those who eat in moderation?  Does that mean we enjoy food more?  Is it psychological or physiological or both?

How do we break the cycle?  It isn't by beating the addiction, because we can't do that, but controlling it.  How do we control it?  Well that is the question isn't it.

I am hungry and I want to eat

I go into the kitchen and look around.  What to eat - what to eat.  I am hungry I want something, but I just finished eating something and I know I shouldn't want anything more to eat.  I count out 10 grapes and think oh hell they are only grapes and count out ten more.

I woke up this morning with resolve and not hungry.  Drank my latte and headed to the trainer.  Came back and haven't stopped being hungry.  Is it exercise.  No I don't think so.  I was exercising on 960 calories and doing just fine.  You can train your body much like you train your dog, but who am I answering to?

I don't lose weight for other people.  But sometimes I wonder do I?  Do I want to keep the weight off because I don't want people whispering about me behind my back or because I don't want to have all the stigma that goes with being obese.

Do I have PTSD?  Is being morbidly obese a traumatic experience for people?  I think it was pretty traumatic for me.  And yet I still fall into those patterns that will lead me to this very mentally unhealthy situation.  I am not self destructive.  I have plenty of will power.  I like being lighter.  Food is not my end all.  And I dream.  I dream that I am once again morbidly obese.  I wake up disgusted. Then I eat.

This battle is far from over, and sometimes I feel like I  am losing.

I can't eat whatever I want

So I am falling back into those bad habits.  But I haven't started eating sweets yet.  Or crackers.  Or bread (except for naan), or chips.  Yes indeedy, I am staying away from all those foods that are "dangerous" to me, only to find that I have a new set of dangerous foods.

Lets face it.  It isn't the food exactly.  Yes I love sweets, but the real problem is I love it all.  I have never said that my problem was sweets, so I don't know why I think that if I just don't eat sweets I won't overeat.  I like food.  Doesn't matter.  My problem is always quantity.  A little is good a lot is better.

So seeing this trend again I have to take a step back and re-think this whole  thing.  The only way that I can control the amount that I eat is being unrelenting.  Can I be unrelenting?  Can I stop eating after a normal serving size.  I haven't been doing such a great job of it recently.  I find that when I am not sitting at my desk all day working and I am out and about I can control that overeating gene, but home working not so much.

I claim not to be an emotional eater, but truthfully that is not true.  Looking into the darkness of my soul I eat out of boredom.  But when you find your job boring what can you do?  Being aware of it is not good enough.  I need to have the same discipline that I had when on product, but I am not answering to anyone but myself, and it is so easy to talk yourself out of anything you don't want to do.

It is easy to stay focused on vacation, so I will be good for the next six days, and I will tackle this problem when I return.

Onwards Telluride.

I feel pretty oh so pretty

At our last class one of the people said that she was never more beautiful than she was now.  Another of my pet peeves that I have ranted and raved about over the years.  You don't lose weight to look good.  It isn't enough, and sometimes/probably most of the time, you will be disappointed.  You can't lose weight because you want to look good.

This is my humble opinion on looks.  We humans all look alike.
We have been conditioned to see minutia differences, and those very small differences are the difference between being attractive and not.

My black German Shepherd is beautiful to me, but if you put two black German Shepherds of the same size in a room, I don't know if I would be able to tell which one was mine (or which one owned me).   Maybe I would notice the grey in her neck, her eyes a bit browner?  But truthfully they look very much alike.

And humans when they age, oh my goodness, those subtle differences are even harder to tell apart.  My mother looks like so many other 91 year old women.  She has lost some of her distinctive features, and on first blush if I saw her where I wouldn't expect to see her I may not initially recognize her.

Looks are based on differences, and those difference don't have to be visual.  I remember first meeting someone and thinking that they were on the plain side, but after getting to know her, I couldn't believe I ever thought she was plain.

But sometimes those things you don't like on yourself is what actually makes you attractive or if not "attractive" noticeable.  Weight does have a negative impact on how people view your attractiveness, but you can't expect life to change for you just because you lost weight and people find something else to look at other than your weight (if they acknowledge your existence in the first place.)

Just saying if you are losing to look good, or to catch a mate, chances are you won't keep it off.  There has to be another reason to lose the weight.  People just have to find it.

Stranger Danger

It has been suggested by our facilitator to smile and say hello to people on the street.  I know quite a few people who do it, but I am not one of them.  I will say hello if someone says hello to me though.

More often then naught the people who say hello are  female.  In fact unless you are doing some activity that the male is doing (biking, hiking, swimming) it is rare that a male will say anything to you.

Today as I was walking back from swimming a normal male looked me straight in the eye and said hello.  I of course said hi back, but already my mind was on high alert - stranger danger. 

Yes I was thinking he was a serial killer and I was going to end up chopped up in his freezer.  When he said hello I immediately covered the name on my badge and almost ran the rest of the way home.

Men do not say hello to heavy women.  Never.  And if one does you know they want you so they finish up their skin suit.

I did make it home, so obviously I covered my name tag fast enough.

Phew.

Tiny tots

So I was so excited that they were holding a competitive swim camp here I could hardly sleep the night before.  I looked the guy up, and I couldn't find him anywhere.  But I did find some one with that name who was a 1964 Olympian.  I was sure that was him, and he was the first person to go under a minute in the 100 meter back, so I was even more excited.

When I got to the locker room there were two girls there waiting to go in and I mean girls.  One must have been 8 the other couldn't have been more than 10.  Aieeayeyay I was going to be the only adult there?  Did I misread the information?  Was it for kids?  I was now thinking how horrible this was going to be.  I imagined 8-10 prepubescent and me.  When we got to the pool the coach was talking to some old guy and I was hoping and praying that I was going to be swimming with this old geezer - please.  He did join us and that made four.  At least he was slower than I was even though those tweets left me in the dust.  Hey I am old you know.

The coach told me to jump in so he could have a look at my stroke, but before I did I asked him if he was the Olympian.  No. oh well.

I spent the next hour and a half listening to him tell me everything Laura has already told me, but I was in the pool showing off my skills so did I have fun- oh hell yes.

Can't wait til Thursday.

packing

I am gone for a week, and I am trying to learn to pack like a normal human being, but truth be told B and I pack very much alike. Well sort of.  I manage to get everything in one case, one back pack and one purse.  B has three suitcases for 2 days.  But that doesn't mean I couldn't.  I have to rein myself in.

So I packed for my week trip and I stuffed my 30" beautiful new suitcase to the brim.  5 pair of pants, 30 pair of underwear 7 bras, 7 tops, 7 socks, pair of shorts, three towels, pickleball racket, two sets of fins, three sets of swim paddles, flip flops, extra pair of shoes, two jackets, toothbrush, three bottles of shampoo, two bottles of conditioner two bottles of body wash, swimsuit, three swimming caps, four pairs of goggles a scale and a partridge in a pear tree.

I couldn't lift it.  It was heavier then my suitcase I took to Europe.  So I opened it up got a smaller suitcase and started getting rid of things.  I didn't get rid of everything, but I fit it into a smaller suitcase and I got rid of the scale.

I weighed the exact same as I did last week.  I guess I am on unofficial maintenance.

Cheers

Traveling

Traveling is hard for me whether or not I am dieting.  I stress over security I stress about boarding I stress about getting my luggage, but a huge stress of the seats is gone, which makes traveling oh so much easier even with all the other stresses.

When dieting food isn't an issue in fact travel and food I do fine.  I don't have time to think about food and you let your body rhythm take over feeding time.  You are out having fun and then you think hmm I am hungry and off you go eat and carry on.  Only time I really had a hard time with eating is when I say I don't care.  But I am not saying that this trip.  I suspect I will come back lighter.

Looking forward to the lectures this week.  It should be interesting.

Tortillas

I love tortillas, not chips, the flat flour tortillas.  I love them so much that they have been placed on my banned list.  Banning food in the house is leaving very little for my wonderful husband to have anything to snack on.  I have banned nuts, chips, crackers, popcorn and now tortillas.

But I haven't banned candy.  We have candy in bowls, in drawers, freezers, and I am okay with that.  I can walk by the candy dish and not even feel a twinge.  But that does not mean that I don't like sweets.  I do.  I just don't think about them like I would chips.  As I write this, I am salivating just thinking about my favorite chips.  But I can't just eat one or one bag.  Very distressing.

All of this in a way to confess I went over calories, but only because I ate those d*** tortillas.  Weight will probably be up this time.  Hopefully my trip to Chautauqua I can take off a few pounds.  I didn't think that I was an emotional eater, but I do seem to eat when I am bored.

Taking my trusty dusty scale.  

Thick

I was looking in the mirror in my swim suit and I thought to myself you look thick.  Not the look I have been going for.  Thick.

Before I headed to Europe I was thinking I was looking pretty trim.  Not thick at all.  I was kind of proud of my trimness, and thinking I would be comfortable at this weight.  But on the trip I saw a couple of photos of myself and realized I was't looking that trim.  Hmm.

I am definitely not as thick as I was six months ago, but I am not as trim as I was four years ago.  And even four years ago, I don't know how trim I really was.  I guess it is easy to deceive one self.  It goes hand and hand with weight gain.

But the better I feel and the easier I move the less inclined I am to lose weight.  And I have been feeling good and moving fine, so that -  I don't know the word, feeling/need to lose weight is not there, which makes weight loss that much harder.  But still I losing more weight will still be very helpful in the things I want to do.

Big sigh.  Got to go sign up for pickleball camp.  Happy dance.

Pickleball!!

I played pickleball today and I got hot and tired, but had so much fun.  Who would of thought getting you butt kicked all the time could be fun.  T2 had to school a rather uppity person who was not as good as she thought she was, but in the process T2 just played the whole game herself.  Bang bang.

I started out with my personal trainer, and did an abbreviated workout.  Yesterday putting Thunder's collar on I ended up twisting my back or something and wasn't sure that I would be able to work out today, but he was careful and I had no pain whatsoever.

Tomorrow we are going for a walk, but I don't know if I can handle the walking.  We will see.

I was the same weight today as I was yesterday.  So that is good.

Interesting thoughts

First I was only up one pound from my lowest.  Yay!!!

Group was very very interesting.  The facilitator was talking about dieting vs maintenance, and how hard maintenance is in someways compared to dieting.  I already knew that, I think all dieters know that. But some of the things that she said that I found more interesting was that she said that studies show that you should only reduce your calories six to eight months or so at a time.  I don't know where she found this study, I searched for it on the internet and couldn't find it, but it seemed to make sense.

You reduce your calories, lose the weight then you maintain for a few months, and then reduce your calories again.  It sounds logical, kind of training for maintaining.

I have about 40 pounds to lose to be at my goal.  I am seeing my times coming down, my swimming seems smoother and I am enjoying a fairly pain free life.  All of this and steal 40 pounds to go, I can only imagine what it will be like at goal.  But I am tired of dieting.  I am tired of trying to get it at 1200 calories just to come up high over and over again.

We were told to decide if we wanted to continue with weight loss or go into maintenance.  I thought about it alot and I have decided that I will lose 10 more pounds and do maintenance to the start of the year and hopefully finish it off mid-year 2018.  I might change my mind, but that is my plan right now.

Back

It has been a while since I last posted, but as with every change you want to go back to old habits and I really can't afford to go back to old habits.

I dropped 7.7 pounds on the trip, got home and lost another 1 pound and now I am up 5 pounds.  There I said it.  Now I have to fix it.  These are some of my thoughts.

I have come back and I want to eat food that tastes good.  While on Optifast I did not eat foods that tasted good, I ate because I had to.  Now I need to rethink eating.  Some foods I still can't control, but I thought that I could (nuts, popcorn) and others that I haven't eaten, but I don't crave (chips, candy, ice cream).  I have gotten rid of those foods I can't control (I had to have THT hide the nuts on me and I bought some popcorn and ending up throwing away a little of if, because I had eaten the rest).

I eat too much fruit, not enough veggies and I think that the fruit might be a large part of the weight gain.  But most diets allow you to eat as much fruit and veggies as you want.  I guess they didn't have me in mind when they made that proclamation.

So back to what am I going to do.  I am going to post daily for the next week my weight loss or gain. Weighing myself every morning and see if that changes the  trajectory.  I can't exercise any more than I have, as the facilitator told us to be careful of becoming an exercise junky in order to keep the weight off or to lose weight.  It doesn't work.

So off to the ball game I go.  Hotdog?  I think I can be strong.  We will see.

Italy

I spent about a week in Italy and I just didn't find it all it was cracked up to be.  The people are definitely not warm and friendly, they take one look at us and think Sucker.  Truthfully we probably are.  I think Americans as a whole are pretty boorish (me included) but we do have good qualities, really we do.

Twila and I did a bike ride in Florence it was just the two of us and it was truly wonderful.  We got out into the countryside and rode up to seine.  It was absolutely beautiful.  Our guide was pure joy and very knowledgeable so it definitely was an A+.

However, I am not in biking shape, so when we got the bikes she asked me if I wanted to do the whole 18 miles.  Now 18 miles is a cake walk unless of course there are hills.  Are there hills I asked her.  Not to bad, she said, you can ride the whole ride in the middle gear in fact Do Not go into the granny gear.

Okay I thought I can do this if I don't need a granny gear.  So we took the bike for a spin before we started out.  When we got back to her, she told Twila to put it it back in the middle ring, well she sort of scolded Twila for putting it in her big gear.  She was insistent that Twila put it back and was going to make Twila do it before we took off, but Twila ignored her, then she looked at me and said kept in the middle.  Okay okay I follow whatever I am told.

Twila did NOT put it back to the middle I kept it in the middle.

The first part was a steep down hill.  I rode the brakes and prayed for my life at every bend.  Twila peddled.  By the time I got down the hill, Twila had taken a little siesta and had a four course lunch.   But as always she was a good sport about it.

Then started the uphill.  I guess I had a panicked look on my face as I asked her how long was the uphill.  Two and a half miles.  Two and a half miles in the middle gear.  That was going to be hard.  She told me I could get in the van, but I was like really - no.  Got to start hurting might as well start now.

To be continued...

Bashful

I am pretty bashful, or as T2 likes to say a milquetoast.  Which is true, but it is nurture not nature.  I was made this way by the world because I don't like my feelings hurt.  I am a very sensitive girl, and I am always afraid if I am assertive they will come back with something hurtful.

I always try and play fair, I don't want to hurt people's feelings, but I have learned that does not go in two directions.  Most people don't care about your feelings.  It is easy for them to tell you you are fat, or not as attractive, or maybe not the brightest bulb in the room.  And it is said in "honesty".  You know the truth, and how can speaking the truth be hurtful.

But it does.  It is hurtful, because being overweight makes you a second class citizen.  It is true, if a heavy person is assertive they are fodder for abuse so we become milquetoast.

Grumpy

I had about 5 hours of sleep in the last 48, and it is draining, and I am ready to slap anyone who annoys me.

We went on an all day tour of London with 60 other people.  We had three stops, St. Paul the Tower of London, and the changing of the guards at Buckingham Palace.  Because of the terrorist incident there was no changing of the guard, so that was a bust.  St. Paul was fascinating, but the crowned jewels I was ready for murder.

I have this thing about lines, I expect people to play fair.  I expect people to stay in the f*******g line.  But as I got in line behind this couple a group of people from our tour got behind us.  As we did our first turn suddenly they were ahead of us.  I was stunned and dismayed at there rudeness, and thought like what difference does it make to them?  Really?  It isn't like they aren't going to get in.

With each turn I found us further and further until we were practically at the back of the line.  It must be a cultural thing.  Lines are meant for everyone but me.   My annoyance didn't phase them one bit.  Must not have been stern enough.  Oh well.  It was aid day anyway with a trip down the Thames.

stinky

So I am one of those people who gets gas when I fly.  This is sort of new - at least since 2012 and I have tried all different ways to combat it.  But well sometimes no matter how hard I try I just - you know- fart.  And on product those are very very stinky (my farts generally smell like roses.)

So my go to method is to wrap up tightly in a blanket and hope it doesn't seep out.  I think I keep it pretty well contained and I figure by the time I leave the smell will be gone and no there will be no foul.

So, I never thought about having to get up to go to the bathroom.  Everyone was asleep except me(no sleep that night)  so I got up and went to the bathroom.  I was relieved that it had dissipated and felt I had done a good job for my fellow man.

However, returning from the restroom, as I neared my bed I was overwhelmed by what can only be described as stinky to high heaven.  I was thinking well *I* am not the only one who gets gas, and felt pretty vindicated until I got to my bed and realized that that noxious order was coming from my bed.

I quickly jumped back in bed and pulled the blanket over me.  But the damage was done.  I think they knew it was me.  They were pretty distant and when they asked me what I wanted they stood at my next door neighbor seat.  I kept saying "what?" and they kept repeating until they gave in... and mimed the question.  Yup pretty sure they knew it wa me.

Trials and tribulations

So today I went over my calories by about 200.   It is the first time I have done that since starting and I really didn't have that much.   1340 calories.  And what did I have?  I had about an 1/8 of a cup of endamame a salad that was suppose to be lemon juice as dressing but I am sure it was vinaigrette.  And tandoori chicken.  6 ounces 451 calories.  Plus my Optifast.  And there you have it.  200 calories over.  And on top of that I am already 2 pounds up from weigh in.  Tomorrow I am just doing product.  In fact I think that I am just doing Optifast for the rest of London.  Blah.

Traveling is much easier if  I don't have to eat.   Bummer

Don't expect to be perfect

So I was told this right before I left class. It gives me a pause.  What does that mean.  Eating perfectly.  Is there such a thing?  Perfect eating?

I will never be a perfect eater, I can try, but... I don't like veggies that much and I don't know this balanced food is pretty hard.  Does anyone really eat balanced.  Food preference is so individual, I will never eat fish heads, fish eggs, worms, maggots, brains, snails.  Just doesn't appeal to me, and I don't think if I was starving I would find those appealing.

I won't eat perfectly, does she mean I won't eat the 1100 calories I will eat more/less?  I will be distracted by the aroma of fish and chips.  I will have a double scoop of ice cream?  What does she mean I won't be perfect?

If I eat 1100 calories will that be perfect?  Does it matter how I eat those 1100 calories to be qualified as perfect, or just eating that amount of calories is perfect enough?

Oh it is just to confusing.

No Pain No Pain

Physically I have a high tolerance for pain, mentally I have a very very low tolerance for pain.  My darling sister has often told me that I don't try very hard because I don't want to be in pain.  I say who does?

It is interesting that people in group are afraid of being hungry.  That is not my worry.  I don't really care about the hunger feeling (if I have one) I just don't like it when it goes to pain.  But maybe it is the same concept?  I don't know.

So how do I overcome this fear of pain?  How do athletes work through the pain?  I don't know how to mentally do it.  You certainly can't do focusing on the pain.  Which I do.  There has to be a trick that works that allows you to acknowledge the pain, but continue on.  Trying to focus on something else?  But when your legs are burning and you don't think you can get your arms out of the water, the focus isn't going anywhere but to the agony you are enduring.

Thinking it will only be another minute or ten minutes doesn't work for me.  It is part of my instant gratification make up.  I don't want to feel pain now, I want to eat the ice cream now.  What is a girl to do?  I have until June 27 to figure this life question out.

No weight loss this week

So I am exactly the same weight as I was at the beginning of the week.  Generally I start to freak out Monday when I haven't lost anything, but I got up this morning and was .3 pound more then I was last Thursday.  I am eating what I am suppose to eat, but more fruit than allowed.  I am having about 100 calories more in fruit, but about 100 calories less in veggies, so it all evens out.

I can't worry about it.  I haven't done anything wrong, I am in the calorie range that they want us in, I am eating the prescribed food, I can't do anything else.

But I am disappointed.  I was hoping to get down to a certain weight, and I am not going to get to that weight before I leave.  And I just hope that I don't come back 10 pounds heavier.  This is very stressful for me and I am feeling very sorry for myself.

Oh well I have 12 hours to lose 3 pounds.

I am cooking (sort of)

I am ordering Chef'd and making the meals without oil.  With good pans the food doesn't stick too bad, and I don't miss the oil (at least not yet).  But the guilt, it is horrible.

And even though I am staying well within the calories following the plan, I am prepared to gain weight.  I am afraid to weigh myself.  And If I don't gain weight the internal conversation is am I okay at this weight?  I don't think I can lose anymore weight unless I am eating 960 calories.  So if I can maintain the weight at 1200, am I okay with what I weigh now?

It isn't my plan.  I really want to lose the final 45 pounds.  It will make a huge difference.  If I lose 16 more pounds I will no longer be classified as obese, just overweight.  I would like that.  Oh well, I suppose I should weigh myself, but I am afraid, so afraid.  Like "don't go in the basement" afraid.

Shucks

Third week of Transition

Yesterday we got to add 80 calories of fruit, 100 calories of dairy and 100 calories of protein.  I forgot to get the food so I didn't get all my allotted food yesterday, but I did/will today.  Today I had yogurt with blueberries and I bought cherries and grapes and watermelon.  I had one grape, one cherry and once slice of watermelon just to taste, and that all came to 17 calories or there about.  They were unplanned bites, and I can't do unplanned food, that is the slope I always go down, and I can't always get back up.

It brings the total of calories from 1045 from prior week to about 1165.  I worry that my metabolism is so low, that I will gain a pound a week, I know that I didn't gain the weight eating 1165 calories, but that is 200 more than I have been eating, and I am barely losing as is.

This whole transition is very very stressful.  We will see how the weight loss is this week.

Swimsuits again

 had mentioned earlier that I probably needed to get a swimsuit that wasn't all stretched out, but I really didn't think anyone noticed.  But Today L told me that I needed to get a new suit.

I was like oh my goodness I am showing too much in the pool and she is embarrassed for me.  I looked down and finally asked her if it was coming down, maybe showing too much?  All she said was it needs to be tighter.

I guess my sagging body needs to be held in place.  I know that the swimsuits is stretched out, I wore it when I was 60 pounds heavier, but I thought it was holding up okay.  So I have a quandary.    Do I go a size smaller and stretch it out, because I am planning on losing another 40 pounds, or do I go with the same size?  I tried on a smaller size, I got it on and it seemed to be okay, but I am so use to wearing it a little loose now I don't know.  If it crawls up my butt it is too small.  I don't want to get in the pool and find out while swimming.  That just isn't fun.  Swimming your heart out with a wedgy.

I do have a swimsuit a size smaller that I wore before, but the seam is starting to be pulled taut.  I remember seeing a picture of a woman who had split her racing suit before her swim.  I don't want my swimsuit splitting.  What to do what to do.  I am not at goal, I don't want to buy any clothes, I was hoping they would hold up.  Ack...

Faking it

I have an e collar for my dog and she obeys me when it is on, not so much when it is off.  She has this tendency to scream whenever her father gets up, moves, comes downstairs, sit down.  I don't know if it is in excitement, or nervous or what.  But the screams are piercing and the only way to shut her up is to correct her with the e-collar.

When she is corrected she gives this pitiful yelp like I am really really hurting her, and I try hard not to correct her too often since she is a very very sensitive girl.  It breaks my heart when I hear this little yelp of pain, and I think I am the cruelest mom in the world.  And then when I call her over to me after I correct her she is just so full of love and kisses, she is the most forgiving dog in the world.

Yesterday I put the e-collar on for the first time in a while because she tore her pads and she hadn't been feeling well the last couple of days.  She did her screaming bit, and I corrected her and she yelped.  The correction was a  bit high so I gave her some loves, and she of course forgave me.  We had a quiet night, she screamed only a little when her dad came down and I gave her another small correction and she quieted right down.  She really is an amazing dog, now if only I could get her to stop screaming without the e-collar.

But wait!!!  When I got up this morning I took off the e-collar and lo and behold I had forgotten to turn it on.  I had been snookered.  She played me.  How long has she been playing me?  I know that I do a verbal correction, than a e-collar correction, so she knows it is coming, was it a true play, or is it Pavlovian?  Hell do I ever need to turn the e-collar on again?    The mind of a dog is an interesting thing.

Observations

One of the things that I have observed is that I am careful when I eat.  It is very important to me to have something to eat in the evening, and so I make sure that I have food left for the evening.  I still will occasionally go to the kitchen, but I am aware of it, and when I do I generally change directions to the tea kettle.

I also note that when I am craving food, if I have a bar the craving tends to go away.  Driving mom home from the casino I stopped and got her a hamburger, but before I did I ate a bar and I had no desire for the hamburger.

I have no cravings right now for sweets.  Maybe when you have just enough calories to survive on your body takes over and craves foods with nutrients rather than - what?  Quick energy?

I feel guilty after eating real food.  I think I am cheating or something and I worry that I have the calories wrong, or I am eating too much.  Even with putting the ingredients into my fitness pal I still worry that I have it wrong.

A single serving of chicken I bought was 6 ounces, I was going to eat it all, but I only ate half.  I was full, I ate lots of veggies, and couldn't eat the whole 6 ounces.  I was very surprised how much I liked the veggies, steamed with nothing.

Eat your veggies first.  I have always eaten in the order of what I don't want to what I want.  Sometimes I couldn't eat all of what I wanted, but most of the times it wasn't a issue.  Now with the shrinking of the stomach (who said your stomach doesn't shrink?) you really do get overfull.

It is really really hard to find food that does not have some oil in it.  I am curious what it will be like with oil?  The smell of oil in fast foods doesn't smell that awesome.

I am becoming a bit of a food nazi?  Not yet, but it might happen.  I found myself telling T to put the damn waffles back.  Not pretty.

Where's my latte

I had decided from the first that I was going to never have another latte, my downfall, my Achilles, and I don't need it.  But...

As we get closer and closer to being back in the "real" world of food, I have been thinking more and more about my morning lattes.  Mornings were just so good, come in from a hard swim and sit down with my delicious latte.  I loved my morning routine with my morning latte.

I know they can be a bit caloric.  I figured 250 calories maybe more (I add whipped cream to them), and if I add breakfast to that it becomes a 500-600 calorie meal.  And I have never really considered lattes food, more like happiness in a cup.  I have tried to get the same pleasure by having a cup of tea, but it just isn't the same.  And so I have been bargaining.

IF I swim more then 3000 yards in the morning I can have a latte.  Or if I swim in the morning I can have a latte?  Or if I just have the latte for breakfast, or maybe breakfast and lunch?  IF I take my dog for a walk everyday I can have an additional latte (two) on Sunday?  Or if I swim, walk and gym I can have two lattes?   Or if I...

A latte would be really nice about now.

Okay rant

So I think it is pretty universal that you have a tendency to compare yourself to others.  I know I have seen large women and thought I am not as large as they are.  The truth may be that yes I am as large as they are, we deceive ourselves and have no true idea what we look like.

I hated cameras because they gave me a true image of myself and I hated that image.  When I look in the mirror I don't see the full cheeks, the jowls, the double chin, the squinty eyes, I don't see that, I see just me.  And now when I look in the mirror I don't see the weight loss, though the scale tells me so.  And I go by the scale.  The scale says I have lost 53 pounds, and I know that I still need to lose at least 50 more.

J says that she needs to lose 25 more pounds, I see her close to goal, she looks normal weight to me, and I think okay maybe if I lose 25 pounds I will look like I am close to normal weight, and yes I probably need to lose twice as much as she does to get to the same place.  But sometimes people say that they have such and such to lose and you look at them and think what planet are you on?  Really that is all you need to lose?  I then I think how petty are you.  Maybe they weigh light.  I know I am a bit denser then most, and I am always surprised at times at how little some weigh when I would have guessed much heavier.

One friend looks large, but she was born with a tiny chin, so she has a perpetual double chin, she looks heavy in the face, but really she is only about 20 pounds overweight.  Some people carry all the weight in visible places and you see the weight, but others carry it all over and it is harder to see them.  A 200 pound person who carries it in the stomach you would say she is obese, a 200 pound person who carries it evenly distributed you would consider overweight.  I carried it in my stomach until I had a tummy tuck.  Now it is all in my thighs, I can hide my thighs.  Nobody needs to know. Of course that doesn't work when I am swimming.

Still, I think people don't tell the truth when saying how much they need to lose, and if I am not being petty I guess that is okay.

I wish I was like everybody else

Well we ate our first real food, and most people found that it was way too much food.  Me I thought I could have handle a bit more.  I hate veggies, but the veggies were to die for, and the dry chicken yummy!!!  Three/four ounces doesn't cover much of even my salad plate.  And I realize that I haven't come that far.  I can eat and eat and eat.  These four months has not changed me that much.  Everyday is going to be a challenge, but I am up for at least today.

It is our last med check, and then we have another week with only 4 ounces of protein before we graduate to 6 ounces.  I like six ounces better then four ounces, but I think it is suppose to be spread over two meals.  Heck with that, I am eating in one meal.

And on top of that I worry about the scale not going down.  I have pretty much averaged 3 pounds a week, and adding the additional calories will it continue to decrease?  I want to eat, I want to lose, I want to be healthy.

Well at least I have my puppy.

Food

So I had a chicken kebab from Omaha Steak and they said that the calories were 130.  I believed them.  Until I realized that most of the chicken kebab was chicken, very little veggies.  So if chicken is 50 calories an ounce and their is 6 oz of chicken that is not 130 calories.  Or maybe that kebab was suppose to feed three people?  I might have eaten 4.5 oz of it, but I am not sure.  I gave the remaining chicken to my beloved dog who scarfed it down.

So worse case scenario I ate 250 calories rather than 200 calories.  That is okay, but I couldn't even taste it so I felt a little cheated.  And eating when I really didn't want to eat was also a bit unsettling.  I kept thinking this is the start of the end cause I am eating even though I am not hungry and I really don't want to eat.  And isn't that the problem I eat when I am not hungry.  I eat to eat.  Not a great way to start off.  Suddenly product is looking really good.  Maybe if I just give up food forever and just eat optifast...

I am scared, I have been successful on the optifast, can I stay success without it?  I don't know.  Time will tell.  Problem is I have told everyone I am doing this, and now if I fail at this juncture everyone will know.  I shouldn't have told anybody, then my failure wouldn't be noticed.  BAH.

Sick

I just hate being sick.  Colds are the worse.  And now right before we are allowed to put solid food in our tummies I won't even be able to taste it.  Well maybe it won't be bad.  Tired is all I am now with a little runny nose and a little sore throat.

I got my last lab test, worried that I would have high white count, but no I was fine.  I am waiting impatiently for the housekeeper to go so I can quietly slip into bed.  I have to be up early tomorrow to swim, dentist and evan and ending the day with group.  Only to do it all over again on Friday.

But Friday I get to eat something other than bars I get to eat CHICKEN!!!!  I love chicken, I don't care if its rubber and dry, I get to eat it.  And hopefully I won't freak out like I did last time.  Is it to much am I going to gain weight because I ate something other than product.  Oh dear what am I going to do.

It is here, and I am so not ready for it.  I have loved not having to think about what I am going to eat.  I love not have to make decisions.  I knew the time would come, but now that it is here, can we push it back a few months?  I am not ready to make decisions.  I am a Libra, Libras don't make decisions.

On Saturday I will have eaten my first real food in 16 weeks.  Scary.

New Facilitator new manager new program?

Well last Thursday we found out our facilitator and program manager were both leaving - today.  We talked with the manager for a bit, and got an idea on what their philosophy was, which made a difference on how I perceived the program.

I had been thinking that it was pretty haphazard, but listening to her explaining why they are telling people to eat as much product as they want etc... is actually a fairly well thought out idea.  Especially for those who have a tendency to eat off product.  It was nice to hear the reasoning behind it.

The new facilitator is something else.  She was sure of herself and actually seemed to know what she was talking about.  In the old program we were told to limit frozen dinners due to the high sodium content in them.  With our old facilitator she said our option was to have frozen dinners, she didn't know anyone in our group that was on a low sodium diet blah blah blah so that would be a good choice for us.  I am guessing our new facilitator will not recommend frozen entrees as a mainstay of our diet.

I learned more from her in the hour she spoke then the whole 16 weeks of our other facilitator.  She talked about the foods, the prep, the things to look out for.  As K said we really need a nutritionist at this time especially with the transition.   We got lucky I think.

Last week of full product and other thoughts

So this upcoming week is the last week of all product and then we move to food, sort of.  I am very very nervous about this transition.  I hope that it is my last, but also I am thinking why don't I just redo the program one last time and get it all over with.  Finish the program and start maintenance immediately.  Why do I have to waste all this time trying to lose weight then figure out maintenance.   I am going to have to figure out to eating habits in the next six months, one weight loss one maintenance.  Wouldn't it just be easier to do the program again and hit maintenance straight on.  Yea, but I really don't know if I can do another 16 weeks on this program.  I have been the one counting down the days.  I am the one who can't wait for real food.  But I also don't want to hassle with figuring out how to lose weight.  My brain hurts.

I think I am about 5/6 pounds away from my mini goal.  This goal was the weight I started when I had a bet with my dad back in 1983/4?  I was horrified at my weight and when I got on the scale I just cried and cried.  I couldn't believe I was so heavy.  I won the bet.  I kept it off, with a few back-slides, but pretty much was the same weight from 83-91.   Now I am just as happy as a lark to be getting to that weight.  Hell if I had stayed at the weight I would have been happy.

Both E and L are asking me what now?  Umm well I still have a shitload of weight to lose, so other than have a couple hundred more calories, just the same, product, product product dinner.  Then when I get back from Europe I am doing a diet delivery, hopefully for just a few months until I learn to cook and then we will see at that time.  But I am looking at the end of the year.   Seems so long, yet when I am not watching my weight I notice that time just flies by.  

For me it was a very long 16 weeks, but also seems to have gone by in  a blink of an eye.  And life just keeps rolling on.

Swim suit

So I kind of stretched out my swim suit, and now it is too loose.  It suppose to be tight and hold all that flab in place, but since allowed it to grow with me it isn't tight enough so even though I know it isn't coming down, it feels like it.

But trying to put the same size on new it is a bit a hop and a jump.  The suit is holding up and hopefully it will hold up until I can fit into a new suit without the help of a crowbar.

But buying clothes isn't really high on my to do list.  I have a few sizes to lose before I am at "goal" weight and to buy clothes in-between doesn't seem logical.

My baby sister posted about throwing or keeping clothes that she has out grown and so that ever present debate of keep or throw continues.  If you throw then you are saying I am going to stay this way and I am not going to gain it back, but as statistics show most people gain it back.

If the question is at the back of you mind, I think that you are unsure whether or not you will keep it off, and if you are unsure, then you won't keep it off.  Even if you do get rid of the clothes, and you are unsure you are more likely then not to need those clothes in the future.  BUT, I say toss the clothes.  Be brave, if you need to buy bigger clothes in the future, buy them, but don't keep a crutch around.  Don't keep cigarettes in the freezer once you have quit.  What is the point?  How does that help that you have it in the house?  Bah get rid of it.

And maybe by getting rid of it you will become less unsure.  Success comes with surety.

Biking?

So I have finally gotten back on the bike and I feel like I  did when I first started riding.  I see a hill and I am like "oh hell no".

As we did our morning ride yesterday, I watched as cyclist after cyclist passed me like I was standing still.  I mean I wasn't going like 8 mph, but I was not going at their pace.  My immediate response is what snots.  I mean really...

But I couldn't bring myself to chase them.  Not even a little.  I had a hill to think about, and I haven't done hills for 3 years.  Granted the hill was short (pimple size), but it was a hill.

So I started out with 10 miles went up to 12 miles then 17 miles, I have no idea what yesterday was, I think 16 miles, and I am going to try 24 with a big big hill on Wednesday.  I know I didn't use to think it was a big hill.  I didn't think it was a hard ride, but I am a little nervous about that hill on Wednesday, and then there is the dreaded mile, a one mile rolling hill in the middle of the ride, that even in the best of shapes I have found hard to ride.

I will tell my darling sister to go up the hill and leave me behind and I will see her when I see her.  She is a mountain goat who finds hills about as difficult as most people find the flats.  If you never hear from me again, I come looking for me out in Lafayette, I might be lying in some gutter with the bike camouflaging me.

Two weeks of product (did I just say that last week) and real food

I got the dates wrong.  I have another two weeks of product, but I went back to my old book and found out that we only did product 15 weeks  on that plan.  This plan gives us a whole extra week.  I always thought we were gypped out of a week, and maybe I was right.

And the facilitator wants to  do the transition slowly, two weeks on each phase instead of one week. That would mean in Europe I would still be heavily in product and wouldn't have even started on starches by the time I left.  The shock to my system could be hard.  So maybe it would be easier just to stay on product the whole time until I return.  I don't want to be sick the whole vacation.

Today I died during my training session.  And in the middle of the session someone let a silent but deadly one rip and I was sure that I was going to die.  I have farted many times during training, and I start giggling and I just have to make some comment on it.  But nobody there was giggling, no one owned up to it, and with a bunch of guys in there no one said anything about it.  Maybe because I was there.  Maybe if I wasn't there they were be going on and on about it.  Maybe they thought it was me.  But it just wasn't a smell that comes out of my body.

But back to dying.  I guess he has been going easy on me before.  This was stressing and distressing.  I am struggling.  It is those crunches, and well crunches.  Deadly.

I came home and slept.  That is the first time that I have had to take a nap after Evan.  I just am to dang weak I tell you.  ACK.

Just not that into you

So the last week I have been having problems eating.  This is not a surprise since I eat because I love the taste of food, and when I am not interested in the food, I am not interested in eating.

I got home yesterday after playing pickleball and going for a bike ride.  I had four products to eat and it was 7 pm.  I ate two of them.  This is not a healthy thing to do, but I just couldn't get myself to eat the last two products.

When I got done with the ride and pickleball I was hungry and I had a shake and I was fine.  I realized on the way home I brought two and only had one, so I was a bit disheartened thinking about having to have 4 more products.

This in itself is not new.  I have always known that I eat mainly for pleasure.  It is how I can diet easily when I put my mind to it.  I just know I am not going to be enjoying anything for a while.  But that is the problem as well.  When I am done with the diet I will be eating food that I enjoy and food will once more becoming pleasurable.  And the cycle will begin.

I am not going to not eat food that I enjoy, but how am I going to manage the gluttony of my personality?  (Was that a double negative?)  And realizing I don't need that much fuel to survive is a bit disheartening, weight loss is 20% exercise 80% diet.  I don't know what maintenance is, I assume the same.  Blah...

So don't go to Europe

That was my trainers suggestion when I said that I would just be finishing up the transition when I would be heading out to Europe.

He gets that is a vulnerable time , that transition from having people tell you what to eat and basically when to eat to - oh hell yes.

But I sort of have a plan, and I am hoping that I can stick to it.  But not going to Europe, I don't think so.  Though during the first round I was scheduled to go to New York and cancelled because I didn't think I could handle it.

I am going to take my portable scale and hopefully watch as it does not go up.  I don't think I will be doing much eating - drinking and being merry.

Negative

I don't reread my posts because I know that they have a bit of a negative flavor to them.  I am not really a negative person, and my thoughts are not consumed with negativity.

When I talk about people and their reactions to heavy people, I don't really spend a whole lot of time thinking about it.  I am generally talking about my observation to the situation, not my feelings in the moment.

When I am not around people, especially when I was heavier, I never thought about my weight and how people would react to me.  But when I was around people that is all I thought about.  It is why I did not like to go out a whole lot.  I was mentally safe in my house.

But like everyone who is not agoraphobic I could only stay home so long.  The world beckons and I had to get out.

At this weight I am comfortable being in public, I don't worry about what people are thinking and I don't think I am being laughed at or made fun of behind my back.  When on occasion someone does make a comment about my weight I am always a bit taken aback, and my feelings of course are hurt, but in general I just don't think that people notice my weight anymore.  Maybe they do, but I stay pretty oblivious to it all.

So I did not lose the weight the first time for my looks, or to get people to stop talking about me behind my back, I did it solely for my health.  I didn't do it for the world, I had been dealing with the world for years, it was all about me.  I wanted to be around for my puppy and the puppy after that, and I didn't think I would be if I stayed at the weight I was.  So I lost the weight.

Now I want to be active.  The weight I am at hampers some of that activity, so I want to lose the weight so I can do those activities with no excuse of weight.

My life is good and I am happy, and this is just a little more happiness.

What is every one doing?

So we are almost done with the product only, and because we don't "share" we don't really know how everyone is doing.  I have been assuming that everyone has been staying on product and not straying.  That is what J and I are doing, and no one has said that they weren't - no news is good news type of thing, but all this permission to go off product, I am surprised that more haven't.

We were doing a group activity and one of my group members talked about pizza, and I thought that they were talking past tense.  But no she was talking about that weekend.  I was a little stunned.  I mean to cheat with pizza, even KFC said she never had anything but boiled chicken.

But also the doctors are telling the participants that they can have as much product as they want.  That is not right either.   It just is so loosey goosey.  I was told I could have an extra product after swimming if I was light headed.  I don't need that extra product, I will be eating again soon enough I want to take full advantage of this jump start as I can.  Because that is all it is, a jump start.  I have miles to go and I do appreciate the push.

I feel like I am missing out a bit, not finding out how everyone else is doing.  I liked listening to what happened to people during the week, how friends and family are reacting to them, how they were feeling about the weight loss.  I miss hearing the fears and trepidation that they are facing as we get closer to transition.  We haven't discussed transition.  We have next week and we are transitioning.  They have not talked about it at all.  We spent four weeks talking about transition in the first class.  This is a big deal.  This is when people freak out.  I have the benefit of having gone through this before, but some haven't.

They need to get the program together.  It feels haphazard and unplanned.  The notebooks are thrown together, the material is all over the place, and we spend an hour and fifteen minutes listening to a lecture.  Then we are told we don't participate.

Ah well, maybe it will be different in maintenance.

what does it matter

The dangerous thought lurks at the back of my mind.  What does it matter?  Who cares really  if I am big or small.  Yes the world hates the fat person, but really when you get down to it who really cares?  It is a fleeting moment of disgust in someones eye, and the truth is they wouldn't recognize you again.  They didn't take in anything but the weight, and so you are forgotten minutes if not seconds afterwards.  Who cares?

I am the only one who really cares about how much I weigh.  And when I get to a certain point I don't care.  I am hungry and I am tired of eating tasteless boring food and I just want to eat something that taste good.

But I know also I will care in about 10 minutes, I will care the next day, I will care when I have gained 20 pounds, but in that dangerous moment I don't care.

And that is the crux of it all.  Can I remember that I care when I am not caring.  Can I out wait the frustration and hunger knowing if I give in I will care, but that is not what I am feeling right now and right here.  I am in the moment and I don't care.

People tell you to stay in the moment, but if you are dieting, you absolutely can't stay in the moment or you would be stuffing your face.  You have to hope some future moment will alleviate that feeling and put you back in place, but ... but.

Right now I just don't care.  I am going to bed.

Two weeks and on

Yesterday I came home from Tap and had two products to eat.  I didn't want to eat them.  I wasn't hungry and the idea of another shake and soup is beginning to turn my stomach.  I have acclimated to the 960 calories, and because I can't eat anything but product I don't think about food that much.  The times I think about it is when I am trying to figure out what I am going to eat off product.  But this is an important observation to make.  When you know you can only eat ... you just don't think about what to eat, or even have cravings.

But I know if I had come home from Tap and not on product I would be in the fridge looking for something to eat.  I worked hard yesterday, Tap, training and swimming I exercised at least all the calories I ate for the day, and I probably should have been hungry, but I was not hungry  enough to want product.  But I don't know what I would want if I wasn't eating product.

I know at the first of the blog I was craving steak, but I am not craving anything now.  Cooking at Easter didn't kick up any cravings, even when people said the food was good.  I don't think I am visceral about food, I am beginning to think it is all in my head, that my body if left without conscious thought would not be heavy.

If only I can carryover this to eating normal food.  I have been saying forever that I need a regimented diet.  I need to know what I can eat.  No grazing.  I, with TH, am going to do a meal delivery, and the last time I did it it went well for about 8 months, then I just couldn't handle the food anymore.  This time we are going to do it differently, we are starting out 5 days and figuring two days on our own.  Eventually we will hopefully be eating all on our own and not reverting back.

Yes two weeks, then four weeks then eek Europe.  

Practice - measurements and other thoughts

I haven't been practicing my tap.  I blame it on my back.  It started to spasm on Thursday and I don't want to exacerbate it any more.  But if I don't practice then I am going to be a numskull.  We will see if I practice tonight.  Maybe - maybe not.

So it is coming up to my measurement time.  T2 gave me a jacket to wear, and before I couldn't button it, now I can button it, but the arms feel a bit tight.  I don't remember that being a problem last time, so maybe I have put on weight on my arms.  Bummer.

Measuring every 20 pounds is about right.  Unlike weighing yourself three times a day, the results of the measurements don't change on a daily basis (well mine don't).  So it is a good gauge overall how you are doing.  As they say the scale is just a number what you truly want is a smaller body.

Unfortunately, my measurements have never been the ideal, even when I was at my lowest.  I am just a big girl, with large bones.  It is always fun when you lose enough weight that you feel your bones.  Not buried under a ton of fat.

I am trying to think of how to take this blog after the transition.  Using it as a tool to keeping the weight off might lead to some dreary and repetitive entries, but that might be how I feel about transition, weight loss and maintenance.  My baby sister always says can't worry about tomorrow cause it will come whatever you do today, so focus on today and let tomorrow come.  She says it more eloquently than I just did, but that is the gist of it.

Just watched Keith Olbermann - yes Trump is a Jack Ass.

Stinky Stinky Shoes

I got in the car yesterday and I thought I was, I don't know, the boys locker room?  The smell was overwhelming.  Dirty feet.  Ack and I had to drive home.  It was painful.  But I knew what it was.

I had gone for a bike ride in the rain with T2 and my shoes that I had worn all the way across the country, plus the thousands of miles of training, were wet.  It is kind of like a wet dog, they may smell a little dry, but get them wet and whoa...

I am guessing it is time for a new pair of shoes, but they fit perfectly and I am sentimentally attached to them.  Maybe if I keep them in the garage they will keep the mice away.

That is the thing about swimming, you can swim for hours and you don't come out of the pool stinking to high heaven (unless you don't like the smell of chlorine) and so you can sweat as much as you want and you don't have to worry about bowling someone over with that "exercise" smell.

And don't let your friends and neighbors kid you, you do stink.  There isn't unstinky sweat no matter what people say.  I read somewhere that when you exercise you are only sweating water so you don't stink.  I laughed so hard at the article.  What world do they sweat on?  You know it is back to the wet dog smell....

If you work hard and sweat you are going to stink.  And your clothes are going to stink.  And your shoes and socks will stink.  Sweat=Stink.

Peace

AH Food for thought

Dancing my heart out.  Fun in the Sun.  Can you show me those steps one more time, okay maybe again.  Would you like stand in front and do those steps.  Hey how does the next class know what to do?

I am not  a dancer.  Watching K and J practice when I came in left me in awe.  How did they do that?  Clipping along like nobodies business.  It was very cool to see.  J actually had the steps and rhythm down.  I feel like a big galumph.  Back in school when I was this big huge girl next to these little petites kind of feeling again.  Kind of like that.  They may be slow but they are in time and I am CLUNK CLUNK.  I think the instructor has given up on me.  But I am still having fun.

Practicing at home I have two wanna be dancers trying it with me.  As I clunk away Big T goes for my ankle, Little T dances and spins with each of my clunks.  We are having fun.

Back to school.  Funny, I always felt big huge fat compared to my friends.  When I was growing up it didn't matter how tall you were, you were suppose to weigh 120 pounds.  I think I was 120 in 3rd grade.  I have never seen that weight again, and I probably won't until I am rotting in my grave.  But what I would give to weigh my high school weight.

My swim coach told me maintaining weight is 80/20 (80% diet 20% exercise).  I think that was her gentle way of telling me I had to keep watching the calories.  Yes I know this.  I also know that it is hard to keep it off without the exercise.  Though it seems inconsequential, exercise has a big impact on me and my weight.  I couldn't just diet.  But I don't think I could just dance either.  At least it isn't hula.

Anyway Today is weigh in.  I have 9 pounds to lose to meet my product weight loss goal, it is possible it might be 12, but I will be happy with 9.  

The end is near

Time is weird.  We are coming up to the final three weeks of all product and I am so ready to get off product.  I feel I have been eating product for years now, it is part of my routine, my life, get up have a shake, have a bar, have a shake, have a bar, have soup, have a shake.  The same pretty much day after day after day.  I am living just fine of this routine, but...

I am so not ready to get off product.  It is hard to realize that I have only three weeks before I have to start thinking about the food I eat.  I realize during transition it is pretty easy, because we still on in the product mode.  There is no going out, no unauthorized food, we are eating product plus a couple of hundred calories of protein and vegetables.  Seriously speaking finding food that is only 100-150 calories to eat for dinner is the challenge.  I scoured the internet looking for food that falls in that category.  I final found a place that has chicken kebabs that are 130 calories grilled with no oil and no soaking in something I am not suppose to eat.

The problem I have been having is finding those recipes that don't use oil to cook the food.  I can have oil, but that is like week 3 on transition or the last week, so all those recipes that call for oil I can't use in the beginning.    I am so not ready  to go off product.  But...

I am counting down the days until I can put something more substantial in my tummy.  I am so tired of product I could just put my head down and cry.  And when making T birthday dinner I wanted so much to lick my fingers.  Hey I am the one who wouldn't/couldn't eat the raisin.

I think last time I was at this same place.  Tired of the food waiting impatiently until I could eat real food, and dreading every minute of it.

The hard work is fast approaching and I think I still want to stay in the womb.

Exercising on Optifast

Today we only have four more weeks before transition.  It seems both very long and very short.  I am ready to eat normally, but then again I like not having to think about what I am going to eat.  What to eat what to eat is the theme of my life.

But I wanted to lose this weight because I wanted to be able to move freely.  I want to be able to walk up a hill and not feel like I am going to die.  I want to swim so hard that I do feel like I am going to die, and I want to be able to bike with ease.  And I wanted to be able to hold my body up without collapsing in a puddle of sweat.

I am noticing some changes in my swimming, which is what this is all about.  These 35 pounds IMHO has improved by body position, which of course makes it easier to swim.  The speed is not there, I am beginning to wonder if it ever will come back, but I keep trying.

I went for my first bike ride in a while.  T2 urged me on while I slowly crashed and burned.  Fitbit the wonder watch told me I was in peak (heart rate) for most of the ride.  It was flat and no wind.  And I had to stop 4 times, like every 10 minutes.  It was horrible (the tiredness) but before the tiredness hit it was wonderful.

Bicycling has other issues, mainly my shoulder and neck.  I am sure that the pain in the shoulder contributes to the neck pain, but if I wasn't aerobically out of shape, I would have had to stop for the pain in my neck and shoulder.  Don't get old.

Pickleball is definitely one source of exercise that you don't feel like it is exercise, unless you are playing in 90 heat.  I am thinking that we need to get a portable fan for the summer this year to keep from dying of heat stroke.

As far as my personal trainer, I have had to cut back the sessions from one hour to forty-five minutes.
The main difference I am seeing with my personal trainer is I am not struggling quite as much with body weight exercises.  It still is a struggle, but I am hanging in there.

Tap is just fun.  I am not good enough for it to be high intensity, but I know that if I do get better I will find tap to be just as aerobic as running.  Here is to improving.

This week has been a bear.  I didn't do anything on Sunday, but like on Tuesday I had swimming, tap and my personal trainer.  Wednesday I tried to get up early to beat the heat on the bike ride, but couldn't pull myself out of bed until 8:30.  Just too tired.

Do you think it will ever stop raining.

The republicans are fools.

Saving my food

Since starting the diet I parsed out the food to ensure that I have something for dinner.  I am afraid that I am going to eat everything during the day and have nothing to eat at night, so I have been ending up with three products to eat at night.  I actually enjoy have the food at night because I am a night eater.

I think it started when I worked graveyard.  My shift would start at 10 pm and I would eat at 9 pm.  I would usually have a snack around 3 am when it was quiet and no customers around and grab something on the way out in the morning when I left.  I wouldn't eat again until 9 pm the next day, unless it was my day off and then my friends and I would usually go out for dinner about - 9 pm (unless it was with K then it would be more like 2 in the morning).

I haven't lost the desire to eat at night.  When trying to diet I can easily stay on the diet during the day, but night time it is a free for all.  No matter how often I will tell TH that I want to eat at 5 or 6, I still end up eating (snacking/eating) well into the late night.  Even to getting up and getting something to eat at 11 pm if I am still awake.

I know I am suppose to eat early and go to bed on an empty stomach, but here is another habit that I find hard to break.  And on top of that if I want to eat with TH I would have to wait until 8 or 9 and then if I eat a meal at that time I just get sick at night.  My digestion is not what it used to be and it is hard to go to bed just after eating a full Indian meal.

My three products left at night are eaten at 5 - 7 - 9.  That makes me so happy.  But I know that I can't do that in the future.  Those 5 - 7 - 9 meals total 480 calories.  Not the 1500 + calories I would normally eat.  So I have been thinking about eating nights which I am not going to give up, and I have come up with a compromise with TH - it will be about 500 calories for dinner and it will be between 6:30-7:00 and nothing after that.  That is going to be the test.  If I can only eat 500 calories in the evening, I can keep to my 1200 calorie day.  And if I keep to my 1200 calorie day I can continue to lose weight.  

Here is to early dinners.

  

Ack I cheated, oh never mind it was just a dream

I had a dream that I had cheated.  The cheat was not very caloric, but it wasn't product, and I was sitting there after finishing it thinking how am I going to tell J that I cheated after everything I have said about cheating and straying from the program.

I was riddled with guilt, and all I had eaten was a cube of bread - you know the kind that you use for fondue (I had to look up that word, I couldn't remember it for the life of me).  One tiny little piece of bread.  I ate it.  I ate a tiny piece of bread that I didn't really want anyway, and I broke my streak of never cheating on this diet.

In the dream I thought I just won't tell anyone.  I won't blog it, it won't have any effect on my diet, it was only a piece of bread.  But I couldn't do that.  I had to announce to the world that I had finally failed.  I did not stay on the program.  Failure.

And that there is the fear.  Not the fear that I will go off the diet, but the fear when I go off the diet.  How will I handle eating that little cube of bread.    What if I get back on the merry-go-round?

I remember while I was gaining the weight again I had visions of my old self, and worried if I would be able to stop before it got to far.  I was wondering how far I was going to let the weight gain continue before reigning in, and wondering if I would be able to stop and do something about it before I got to the point that I thought it would be useless to try.

I almost went there again.  I almost had that piece of bread.  This time I want to get it right.  This time I don't want to wonder how far I will go before I reign myself in.  This time I must do it from day one until day 1,825.  Then maybe I can ease up just a tad.  

Tap Tap Tap Part 2

I know everyone is waiting with bated breath to  find out how the tap class went.  Well...lets just say I am a spazz and leave it at that.  On a positive note I only almost fell on my butt twice.

The two I went with seemed to be catching on much quicker then I was.  By the end they were in perfect unison tapping around the hall.  Me I got lots of special attention, until the instructor threw up her hands in frustration.

I do have to say J almost slugged me in the face a couple of times.  I think I might have been turning the wrong way, maybe.  The clap clap was definitely hard to coordinate with me.

But seriously, it was very fun, and I did come home, bought a dvd and a book and hopefully will be able to learn the steps they learned yesterday in the coming week.

I am waiting for my great athletic ability to rear its' head, but instead it is like I have two left feet.  My trainer told me I picked up his exercises quickly, so why do I have such problems with dance steps.

Oh well we will see next week - stay tuned