I go into the kitchen and look around. What to eat - what to eat. I am hungry I want something, but I just finished eating something and I know I shouldn't want anything more to eat. I count out 10 grapes and think oh hell they are only grapes and count out ten more.
I woke up this morning with resolve and not hungry. Drank my latte and headed to the trainer. Came back and haven't stopped being hungry. Is it exercise. No I don't think so. I was exercising on 960 calories and doing just fine. You can train your body much like you train your dog, but who am I answering to?
I don't lose weight for other people. But sometimes I wonder do I? Do I want to keep the weight off because I don't want people whispering about me behind my back or because I don't want to have all the stigma that goes with being obese.
Do I have PTSD? Is being morbidly obese a traumatic experience for people? I think it was pretty traumatic for me. And yet I still fall into those patterns that will lead me to this very mentally unhealthy situation. I am not self destructive. I have plenty of will power. I like being lighter. Food is not my end all. And I dream. I dream that I am once again morbidly obese. I wake up disgusted. Then I eat.
This battle is far from over, and sometimes I feel like I am losing.
I woke up this morning with resolve and not hungry. Drank my latte and headed to the trainer. Came back and haven't stopped being hungry. Is it exercise. No I don't think so. I was exercising on 960 calories and doing just fine. You can train your body much like you train your dog, but who am I answering to?
I don't lose weight for other people. But sometimes I wonder do I? Do I want to keep the weight off because I don't want people whispering about me behind my back or because I don't want to have all the stigma that goes with being obese.
Do I have PTSD? Is being morbidly obese a traumatic experience for people? I think it was pretty traumatic for me. And yet I still fall into those patterns that will lead me to this very mentally unhealthy situation. I am not self destructive. I have plenty of will power. I like being lighter. Food is not my end all. And I dream. I dream that I am once again morbidly obese. I wake up disgusted. Then I eat.
This battle is far from over, and sometimes I feel like I am losing.
Hey T-Bird! Welcome back. I am in your corner. Yes, you have PTSD, how can you not when there are cruel people everywhere. I love you and I know that you can do this. PS: just got my brain MRI results, the lesions in my brain, brain stem, neck and spine are behaving! No new lesions!! Love you bestie!! ��
ReplyDeletewow what great news!!! We have to get together I am missing my Kimmie!!!
DeleteGlad to hear Kimmie's news AND super glad to see the voice of the Latte has returned! I too am eating too much & want to stop - how about a "food summit" presided over by Thunder & Today saying how much food WE get versus them. No walk, no food or somesuch...
ReplyDeleteThank Goddess you are back at it!! I have missed your blog - it's my guide and temperature taking mechanism on this journey - for that I thank you!! You've got this...we will never be fixed, but we must remain vigilant!! Yay to Kim - so happy to hear your news!!
ReplyDelete