On writing

I started this blog to help me keep to the program.  If I wrote everyday and confessed my sins, maybe I would stick to the program.  But I didn't have a problem sticking with the program. 

So I started the second blog in hopes that I would be accountable for keeping the weight off.  The blog was meant/is meant to help with this journey, the hardships the failures and the successes. 

But it isn't a how to blog.  Like what was said in class and what has been said throughout this blog one sized does not fit all.  We have to find our own way to weight loss and maintenance.  The second being by far the hardest.  And I struggle.

But I am going to be going to a writing retreat in February, and I thought maybe I would clean up the first blog and see what I could do with it.  It isn't about the journey to weight loss, it is about being overweight. 

I saw a post on facebook with a before and after picture of a woman who said she struggles with weight.  She is applauding herself for losing 30 pounds.  Hmm.  The picture does not show a 30 pound weight loss.  I know what a 30 pound weight loss is and that wasn't it.  I personally only saw maybe her neck was a touch smaller.  Even though people may not be able to tell when I lose 30 pounds if I put a before and after picture up I am sure people will be able to tell the difference. 

Furthermore, she was did not appear overweight in either picture.  I also happen to know that she just had a baby about six months before the before picture, so... I was little annoyed with her pictures and posts. 

But that doesn't mean that she doesn't have a bad self image.  Most women struggle with body image, even if they have the perfect body.  But for those who are not truly overweight do not know the real struggle the obese have with society.  If you are 5'7" and weigh 130 don't tell me you are overweight.  You are not.  You may not like where the fat settles, but you are not overweight.  You don't belong in our club.  You haven't walked in our shoes.  And you are so lucky not to belong in our club.  Calling yourself fat slaps us all in the face.  I will never weigh 130, so does that mean I will always be fat in your eyes? 

Problem is this -  normal weight people don't want to know all the other stuff, and for those who are obese already know the other stuff they just want the solution.    Oh Well it was a thought. 

New Goal

So yesterday we had to write down a goal for the week.  Everyone has there own struggles, but my is always overeating.  Just because I did this program does not mean that my stomach shrunk.  Nope if a stomach really stretches, my is all stretched out and has no more rebound power.  Kind of like an old pair of pjs were the elastic band got stretched out one to many times, and now just falls around your ankles.

My goal this week was to eat 1600 calories.  It sounded good when I was writing it, but now I am having second thoughts.  1600 calories just doesn't seem enough.  I have had my breakfast and lunch and thinking I only have 600 calories left today.  I inputted my food last night, but now that I am sitting here, the lunch wasn't that good and I am not that keen on the dinner.  Oh well.  One day at a time.

I have my personal trainer at 5 so I just have to worry about now to 4:30.  Have my 600 calories when I get home and I can go to bed.  Sleep the best diet helper ever.

Long Hard Day

Life sometimes just isn't fair.  I wanted to be on a jury, but I wanted to be on the jury not a damn alternate.  Phooey.  Now I have to spend five weeks  listening and I don't even get to deliberate.  And it screws up my whole exercise routine.  And food routine.  BLAH>

The first day of jury selection I came straight from swimming, and I forgot water, food basically everything, so I need to be careful for the next few weeks to ensure that I have food and water or I will be eating my way through the food court at Westfield.

The first day I went to the mall via 6th street.  It was horrible.  Shit on the sidewalk (I am sure it wasn't dog shit) the street itself smelled like an uncleaned bathroom, and I was wondering where were those public bathrooms that the city put around?  Not on 6th.

I walked back on 5th street, which was much nicer.  The homeless even have tents, and some of those tents looked well cared for. 

Anyway since I have a hour and a half for lunch I just walked around.  So I am definitely going to get my 10,000 steps in at least.

Back to the beginning Can you be addicted to food?

In group people equate overeating with addiction.  Is overeating an addiction.  I have been of the firm belief that it is not an addiction, but a habit, or it is an addiction, but we as a species will perish without this "drug" called food.

Food taste good, it has to be or we wouldn't want to eat.  We are not the only species that will overeat, but we are the only species that has enough food to overeat.  Also are survival is not wrapped up in whether or not we are fat.  A feral fat cat probably won't last too long in the wild.  That tasty morsel won't be able to run fast enough away from those evil coyotes, or so not fast enough to catch those pesky rodents, so the cat has to survive lean and mean.

But I digress are we addicted to food?  In the simplest terms - yes.  Every single human being has to eat or they will go through withdrawals and die.  We have to eat, and we have to want to eat.  How does someone handle not being able to taste or smell?  They lose interest in food.  Ever had a head cold and couldn't taste or smell anything.  I have, and I have always lost weight, cuz I just don't want to eat.  Pleasure is in the taste for me not the eating.

So every human is addicted to food, what makes those who eat too much more addicted then those who eat in moderation?  Does that mean we enjoy food more?  Is it psychological or physiological or both?

How do we break the cycle?  It isn't by beating the addiction, because we can't do that, but controlling it.  How do we control it?  Well that is the question isn't it.

I am hungry and I want to eat

I go into the kitchen and look around.  What to eat - what to eat.  I am hungry I want something, but I just finished eating something and I know I shouldn't want anything more to eat.  I count out 10 grapes and think oh hell they are only grapes and count out ten more.

I woke up this morning with resolve and not hungry.  Drank my latte and headed to the trainer.  Came back and haven't stopped being hungry.  Is it exercise.  No I don't think so.  I was exercising on 960 calories and doing just fine.  You can train your body much like you train your dog, but who am I answering to?

I don't lose weight for other people.  But sometimes I wonder do I?  Do I want to keep the weight off because I don't want people whispering about me behind my back or because I don't want to have all the stigma that goes with being obese.

Do I have PTSD?  Is being morbidly obese a traumatic experience for people?  I think it was pretty traumatic for me.  And yet I still fall into those patterns that will lead me to this very mentally unhealthy situation.  I am not self destructive.  I have plenty of will power.  I like being lighter.  Food is not my end all.  And I dream.  I dream that I am once again morbidly obese.  I wake up disgusted. Then I eat.

This battle is far from over, and sometimes I feel like I  am losing.