Two weeks of product (did I just say that last week) and real food

I got the dates wrong.  I have another two weeks of product, but I went back to my old book and found out that we only did product 15 weeks  on that plan.  This plan gives us a whole extra week.  I always thought we were gypped out of a week, and maybe I was right.

And the facilitator wants to  do the transition slowly, two weeks on each phase instead of one week. That would mean in Europe I would still be heavily in product and wouldn't have even started on starches by the time I left.  The shock to my system could be hard.  So maybe it would be easier just to stay on product the whole time until I return.  I don't want to be sick the whole vacation.

Today I died during my training session.  And in the middle of the session someone let a silent but deadly one rip and I was sure that I was going to die.  I have farted many times during training, and I start giggling and I just have to make some comment on it.  But nobody there was giggling, no one owned up to it, and with a bunch of guys in there no one said anything about it.  Maybe because I was there.  Maybe if I wasn't there they were be going on and on about it.  Maybe they thought it was me.  But it just wasn't a smell that comes out of my body.

But back to dying.  I guess he has been going easy on me before.  This was stressing and distressing.  I am struggling.  It is those crunches, and well crunches.  Deadly.

I came home and slept.  That is the first time that I have had to take a nap after Evan.  I just am to dang weak I tell you.  ACK.

Just not that into you

So the last week I have been having problems eating.  This is not a surprise since I eat because I love the taste of food, and when I am not interested in the food, I am not interested in eating.

I got home yesterday after playing pickleball and going for a bike ride.  I had four products to eat and it was 7 pm.  I ate two of them.  This is not a healthy thing to do, but I just couldn't get myself to eat the last two products.

When I got done with the ride and pickleball I was hungry and I had a shake and I was fine.  I realized on the way home I brought two and only had one, so I was a bit disheartened thinking about having to have 4 more products.

This in itself is not new.  I have always known that I eat mainly for pleasure.  It is how I can diet easily when I put my mind to it.  I just know I am not going to be enjoying anything for a while.  But that is the problem as well.  When I am done with the diet I will be eating food that I enjoy and food will once more becoming pleasurable.  And the cycle will begin.

I am not going to not eat food that I enjoy, but how am I going to manage the gluttony of my personality?  (Was that a double negative?)  And realizing I don't need that much fuel to survive is a bit disheartening, weight loss is 20% exercise 80% diet.  I don't know what maintenance is, I assume the same.  Blah...

So don't go to Europe

That was my trainers suggestion when I said that I would just be finishing up the transition when I would be heading out to Europe.

He gets that is a vulnerable time , that transition from having people tell you what to eat and basically when to eat to - oh hell yes.

But I sort of have a plan, and I am hoping that I can stick to it.  But not going to Europe, I don't think so.  Though during the first round I was scheduled to go to New York and cancelled because I didn't think I could handle it.

I am going to take my portable scale and hopefully watch as it does not go up.  I don't think I will be doing much eating - drinking and being merry.

Negative

I don't reread my posts because I know that they have a bit of a negative flavor to them.  I am not really a negative person, and my thoughts are not consumed with negativity.

When I talk about people and their reactions to heavy people, I don't really spend a whole lot of time thinking about it.  I am generally talking about my observation to the situation, not my feelings in the moment.

When I am not around people, especially when I was heavier, I never thought about my weight and how people would react to me.  But when I was around people that is all I thought about.  It is why I did not like to go out a whole lot.  I was mentally safe in my house.

But like everyone who is not agoraphobic I could only stay home so long.  The world beckons and I had to get out.

At this weight I am comfortable being in public, I don't worry about what people are thinking and I don't think I am being laughed at or made fun of behind my back.  When on occasion someone does make a comment about my weight I am always a bit taken aback, and my feelings of course are hurt, but in general I just don't think that people notice my weight anymore.  Maybe they do, but I stay pretty oblivious to it all.

So I did not lose the weight the first time for my looks, or to get people to stop talking about me behind my back, I did it solely for my health.  I didn't do it for the world, I had been dealing with the world for years, it was all about me.  I wanted to be around for my puppy and the puppy after that, and I didn't think I would be if I stayed at the weight I was.  So I lost the weight.

Now I want to be active.  The weight I am at hampers some of that activity, so I want to lose the weight so I can do those activities with no excuse of weight.

My life is good and I am happy, and this is just a little more happiness.

What is every one doing?

So we are almost done with the product only, and because we don't "share" we don't really know how everyone is doing.  I have been assuming that everyone has been staying on product and not straying.  That is what J and I are doing, and no one has said that they weren't - no news is good news type of thing, but all this permission to go off product, I am surprised that more haven't.

We were doing a group activity and one of my group members talked about pizza, and I thought that they were talking past tense.  But no she was talking about that weekend.  I was a little stunned.  I mean to cheat with pizza, even KFC said she never had anything but boiled chicken.

But also the doctors are telling the participants that they can have as much product as they want.  That is not right either.   It just is so loosey goosey.  I was told I could have an extra product after swimming if I was light headed.  I don't need that extra product, I will be eating again soon enough I want to take full advantage of this jump start as I can.  Because that is all it is, a jump start.  I have miles to go and I do appreciate the push.

I feel like I am missing out a bit, not finding out how everyone else is doing.  I liked listening to what happened to people during the week, how friends and family are reacting to them, how they were feeling about the weight loss.  I miss hearing the fears and trepidation that they are facing as we get closer to transition.  We haven't discussed transition.  We have next week and we are transitioning.  They have not talked about it at all.  We spent four weeks talking about transition in the first class.  This is a big deal.  This is when people freak out.  I have the benefit of having gone through this before, but some haven't.

They need to get the program together.  It feels haphazard and unplanned.  The notebooks are thrown together, the material is all over the place, and we spend an hour and fifteen minutes listening to a lecture.  Then we are told we don't participate.

Ah well, maybe it will be different in maintenance.

what does it matter

The dangerous thought lurks at the back of my mind.  What does it matter?  Who cares really  if I am big or small.  Yes the world hates the fat person, but really when you get down to it who really cares?  It is a fleeting moment of disgust in someones eye, and the truth is they wouldn't recognize you again.  They didn't take in anything but the weight, and so you are forgotten minutes if not seconds afterwards.  Who cares?

I am the only one who really cares about how much I weigh.  And when I get to a certain point I don't care.  I am hungry and I am tired of eating tasteless boring food and I just want to eat something that taste good.

But I know also I will care in about 10 minutes, I will care the next day, I will care when I have gained 20 pounds, but in that dangerous moment I don't care.

And that is the crux of it all.  Can I remember that I care when I am not caring.  Can I out wait the frustration and hunger knowing if I give in I will care, but that is not what I am feeling right now and right here.  I am in the moment and I don't care.

People tell you to stay in the moment, but if you are dieting, you absolutely can't stay in the moment or you would be stuffing your face.  You have to hope some future moment will alleviate that feeling and put you back in place, but ... but.

Right now I just don't care.  I am going to bed.

Two weeks and on

Yesterday I came home from Tap and had two products to eat.  I didn't want to eat them.  I wasn't hungry and the idea of another shake and soup is beginning to turn my stomach.  I have acclimated to the 960 calories, and because I can't eat anything but product I don't think about food that much.  The times I think about it is when I am trying to figure out what I am going to eat off product.  But this is an important observation to make.  When you know you can only eat ... you just don't think about what to eat, or even have cravings.

But I know if I had come home from Tap and not on product I would be in the fridge looking for something to eat.  I worked hard yesterday, Tap, training and swimming I exercised at least all the calories I ate for the day, and I probably should have been hungry, but I was not hungry  enough to want product.  But I don't know what I would want if I wasn't eating product.

I know at the first of the blog I was craving steak, but I am not craving anything now.  Cooking at Easter didn't kick up any cravings, even when people said the food was good.  I don't think I am visceral about food, I am beginning to think it is all in my head, that my body if left without conscious thought would not be heavy.

If only I can carryover this to eating normal food.  I have been saying forever that I need a regimented diet.  I need to know what I can eat.  No grazing.  I, with TH, am going to do a meal delivery, and the last time I did it it went well for about 8 months, then I just couldn't handle the food anymore.  This time we are going to do it differently, we are starting out 5 days and figuring two days on our own.  Eventually we will hopefully be eating all on our own and not reverting back.

Yes two weeks, then four weeks then eek Europe.  

Practice - measurements and other thoughts

I haven't been practicing my tap.  I blame it on my back.  It started to spasm on Thursday and I don't want to exacerbate it any more.  But if I don't practice then I am going to be a numskull.  We will see if I practice tonight.  Maybe - maybe not.

So it is coming up to my measurement time.  T2 gave me a jacket to wear, and before I couldn't button it, now I can button it, but the arms feel a bit tight.  I don't remember that being a problem last time, so maybe I have put on weight on my arms.  Bummer.

Measuring every 20 pounds is about right.  Unlike weighing yourself three times a day, the results of the measurements don't change on a daily basis (well mine don't).  So it is a good gauge overall how you are doing.  As they say the scale is just a number what you truly want is a smaller body.

Unfortunately, my measurements have never been the ideal, even when I was at my lowest.  I am just a big girl, with large bones.  It is always fun when you lose enough weight that you feel your bones.  Not buried under a ton of fat.

I am trying to think of how to take this blog after the transition.  Using it as a tool to keeping the weight off might lead to some dreary and repetitive entries, but that might be how I feel about transition, weight loss and maintenance.  My baby sister always says can't worry about tomorrow cause it will come whatever you do today, so focus on today and let tomorrow come.  She says it more eloquently than I just did, but that is the gist of it.

Just watched Keith Olbermann - yes Trump is a Jack Ass.

Stinky Stinky Shoes

I got in the car yesterday and I thought I was, I don't know, the boys locker room?  The smell was overwhelming.  Dirty feet.  Ack and I had to drive home.  It was painful.  But I knew what it was.

I had gone for a bike ride in the rain with T2 and my shoes that I had worn all the way across the country, plus the thousands of miles of training, were wet.  It is kind of like a wet dog, they may smell a little dry, but get them wet and whoa...

I am guessing it is time for a new pair of shoes, but they fit perfectly and I am sentimentally attached to them.  Maybe if I keep them in the garage they will keep the mice away.

That is the thing about swimming, you can swim for hours and you don't come out of the pool stinking to high heaven (unless you don't like the smell of chlorine) and so you can sweat as much as you want and you don't have to worry about bowling someone over with that "exercise" smell.

And don't let your friends and neighbors kid you, you do stink.  There isn't unstinky sweat no matter what people say.  I read somewhere that when you exercise you are only sweating water so you don't stink.  I laughed so hard at the article.  What world do they sweat on?  You know it is back to the wet dog smell....

If you work hard and sweat you are going to stink.  And your clothes are going to stink.  And your shoes and socks will stink.  Sweat=Stink.

Peace

AH Food for thought

Dancing my heart out.  Fun in the Sun.  Can you show me those steps one more time, okay maybe again.  Would you like stand in front and do those steps.  Hey how does the next class know what to do?

I am not  a dancer.  Watching K and J practice when I came in left me in awe.  How did they do that?  Clipping along like nobodies business.  It was very cool to see.  J actually had the steps and rhythm down.  I feel like a big galumph.  Back in school when I was this big huge girl next to these little petites kind of feeling again.  Kind of like that.  They may be slow but they are in time and I am CLUNK CLUNK.  I think the instructor has given up on me.  But I am still having fun.

Practicing at home I have two wanna be dancers trying it with me.  As I clunk away Big T goes for my ankle, Little T dances and spins with each of my clunks.  We are having fun.

Back to school.  Funny, I always felt big huge fat compared to my friends.  When I was growing up it didn't matter how tall you were, you were suppose to weigh 120 pounds.  I think I was 120 in 3rd grade.  I have never seen that weight again, and I probably won't until I am rotting in my grave.  But what I would give to weigh my high school weight.

My swim coach told me maintaining weight is 80/20 (80% diet 20% exercise).  I think that was her gentle way of telling me I had to keep watching the calories.  Yes I know this.  I also know that it is hard to keep it off without the exercise.  Though it seems inconsequential, exercise has a big impact on me and my weight.  I couldn't just diet.  But I don't think I could just dance either.  At least it isn't hula.

Anyway Today is weigh in.  I have 9 pounds to lose to meet my product weight loss goal, it is possible it might be 12, but I will be happy with 9.  

The end is near

Time is weird.  We are coming up to the final three weeks of all product and I am so ready to get off product.  I feel I have been eating product for years now, it is part of my routine, my life, get up have a shake, have a bar, have a shake, have a bar, have soup, have a shake.  The same pretty much day after day after day.  I am living just fine of this routine, but...

I am so not ready to get off product.  It is hard to realize that I have only three weeks before I have to start thinking about the food I eat.  I realize during transition it is pretty easy, because we still on in the product mode.  There is no going out, no unauthorized food, we are eating product plus a couple of hundred calories of protein and vegetables.  Seriously speaking finding food that is only 100-150 calories to eat for dinner is the challenge.  I scoured the internet looking for food that falls in that category.  I final found a place that has chicken kebabs that are 130 calories grilled with no oil and no soaking in something I am not suppose to eat.

The problem I have been having is finding those recipes that don't use oil to cook the food.  I can have oil, but that is like week 3 on transition or the last week, so all those recipes that call for oil I can't use in the beginning.    I am so not ready  to go off product.  But...

I am counting down the days until I can put something more substantial in my tummy.  I am so tired of product I could just put my head down and cry.  And when making T birthday dinner I wanted so much to lick my fingers.  Hey I am the one who wouldn't/couldn't eat the raisin.

I think last time I was at this same place.  Tired of the food waiting impatiently until I could eat real food, and dreading every minute of it.

The hard work is fast approaching and I think I still want to stay in the womb.

Exercising on Optifast

Today we only have four more weeks before transition.  It seems both very long and very short.  I am ready to eat normally, but then again I like not having to think about what I am going to eat.  What to eat what to eat is the theme of my life.

But I wanted to lose this weight because I wanted to be able to move freely.  I want to be able to walk up a hill and not feel like I am going to die.  I want to swim so hard that I do feel like I am going to die, and I want to be able to bike with ease.  And I wanted to be able to hold my body up without collapsing in a puddle of sweat.

I am noticing some changes in my swimming, which is what this is all about.  These 35 pounds IMHO has improved by body position, which of course makes it easier to swim.  The speed is not there, I am beginning to wonder if it ever will come back, but I keep trying.

I went for my first bike ride in a while.  T2 urged me on while I slowly crashed and burned.  Fitbit the wonder watch told me I was in peak (heart rate) for most of the ride.  It was flat and no wind.  And I had to stop 4 times, like every 10 minutes.  It was horrible (the tiredness) but before the tiredness hit it was wonderful.

Bicycling has other issues, mainly my shoulder and neck.  I am sure that the pain in the shoulder contributes to the neck pain, but if I wasn't aerobically out of shape, I would have had to stop for the pain in my neck and shoulder.  Don't get old.

Pickleball is definitely one source of exercise that you don't feel like it is exercise, unless you are playing in 90 heat.  I am thinking that we need to get a portable fan for the summer this year to keep from dying of heat stroke.

As far as my personal trainer, I have had to cut back the sessions from one hour to forty-five minutes.
The main difference I am seeing with my personal trainer is I am not struggling quite as much with body weight exercises.  It still is a struggle, but I am hanging in there.

Tap is just fun.  I am not good enough for it to be high intensity, but I know that if I do get better I will find tap to be just as aerobic as running.  Here is to improving.

This week has been a bear.  I didn't do anything on Sunday, but like on Tuesday I had swimming, tap and my personal trainer.  Wednesday I tried to get up early to beat the heat on the bike ride, but couldn't pull myself out of bed until 8:30.  Just too tired.

Do you think it will ever stop raining.

The republicans are fools.

Saving my food

Since starting the diet I parsed out the food to ensure that I have something for dinner.  I am afraid that I am going to eat everything during the day and have nothing to eat at night, so I have been ending up with three products to eat at night.  I actually enjoy have the food at night because I am a night eater.

I think it started when I worked graveyard.  My shift would start at 10 pm and I would eat at 9 pm.  I would usually have a snack around 3 am when it was quiet and no customers around and grab something on the way out in the morning when I left.  I wouldn't eat again until 9 pm the next day, unless it was my day off and then my friends and I would usually go out for dinner about - 9 pm (unless it was with K then it would be more like 2 in the morning).

I haven't lost the desire to eat at night.  When trying to diet I can easily stay on the diet during the day, but night time it is a free for all.  No matter how often I will tell TH that I want to eat at 5 or 6, I still end up eating (snacking/eating) well into the late night.  Even to getting up and getting something to eat at 11 pm if I am still awake.

I know I am suppose to eat early and go to bed on an empty stomach, but here is another habit that I find hard to break.  And on top of that if I want to eat with TH I would have to wait until 8 or 9 and then if I eat a meal at that time I just get sick at night.  My digestion is not what it used to be and it is hard to go to bed just after eating a full Indian meal.

My three products left at night are eaten at 5 - 7 - 9.  That makes me so happy.  But I know that I can't do that in the future.  Those 5 - 7 - 9 meals total 480 calories.  Not the 1500 + calories I would normally eat.  So I have been thinking about eating nights which I am not going to give up, and I have come up with a compromise with TH - it will be about 500 calories for dinner and it will be between 6:30-7:00 and nothing after that.  That is going to be the test.  If I can only eat 500 calories in the evening, I can keep to my 1200 calorie day.  And if I keep to my 1200 calorie day I can continue to lose weight.  

Here is to early dinners.