I had a dream that I had cheated. The cheat was not very caloric, but it wasn't product, and I was sitting there after finishing it thinking how am I going to tell J that I cheated after everything I have said about cheating and straying from the program.
I was riddled with guilt, and all I had eaten was a cube of bread - you know the kind that you use for fondue (I had to look up that word, I couldn't remember it for the life of me). One tiny little piece of bread. I ate it. I ate a tiny piece of bread that I didn't really want anyway, and I broke my streak of never cheating on this diet.
In the dream I thought I just won't tell anyone. I won't blog it, it won't have any effect on my diet, it was only a piece of bread. But I couldn't do that. I had to announce to the world that I had finally failed. I did not stay on the program. Failure.
And that there is the fear. Not the fear that I will go off the diet, but the fear when I go off the diet. How will I handle eating that little cube of bread. What if I get back on the merry-go-round?
I remember while I was gaining the weight again I had visions of my old self, and worried if I would be able to stop before it got to far. I was wondering how far I was going to let the weight gain continue before reigning in, and wondering if I would be able to stop and do something about it before I got to the point that I thought it would be useless to try.
I almost went there again. I almost had that piece of bread. This time I want to get it right. This time I don't want to wonder how far I will go before I reign myself in. This time I must do it from day one until day 1,825. Then maybe I can ease up just a tad.
I was riddled with guilt, and all I had eaten was a cube of bread - you know the kind that you use for fondue (I had to look up that word, I couldn't remember it for the life of me). One tiny little piece of bread. I ate it. I ate a tiny piece of bread that I didn't really want anyway, and I broke my streak of never cheating on this diet.
In the dream I thought I just won't tell anyone. I won't blog it, it won't have any effect on my diet, it was only a piece of bread. But I couldn't do that. I had to announce to the world that I had finally failed. I did not stay on the program. Failure.
And that there is the fear. Not the fear that I will go off the diet, but the fear when I go off the diet. How will I handle eating that little cube of bread. What if I get back on the merry-go-round?
I remember while I was gaining the weight again I had visions of my old self, and worried if I would be able to stop before it got to far. I was wondering how far I was going to let the weight gain continue before reigning in, and wondering if I would be able to stop and do something about it before I got to the point that I thought it would be useless to try.
I almost went there again. I almost had that piece of bread. This time I want to get it right. This time I don't want to wonder how far I will go before I reign myself in. This time I must do it from day one until day 1,825. Then maybe I can ease up just a tad.
Day 1825 is 5 years? do you mean you will keep yourself reined in for 5 years? Your brain is worrying. Try not to worry so much, you're doing great!! Stay in the moment.
ReplyDeleteBreathe. You are doing amazing.
ReplyDeleteWe can have MEAT fondue - less caloric. Maybe vegetables too. Just not in large quantities. Boy, dreams are powerful - I'm glad for you that it was just a dream. Whitemop
ReplyDeleteLike the cigarette dream, right? I can totally relate.
ReplyDelete