The dangerous thought lurks at the back of my mind. What does it matter? Who cares really if I am big or small. Yes the world hates the fat person, but really when you get down to it who really cares? It is a fleeting moment of disgust in someones eye, and the truth is they wouldn't recognize you again. They didn't take in anything but the weight, and so you are forgotten minutes if not seconds afterwards. Who cares?
I am the only one who really cares about how much I weigh. And when I get to a certain point I don't care. I am hungry and I am tired of eating tasteless boring food and I just want to eat something that taste good.
But I know also I will care in about 10 minutes, I will care the next day, I will care when I have gained 20 pounds, but in that dangerous moment I don't care.
And that is the crux of it all. Can I remember that I care when I am not caring. Can I out wait the frustration and hunger knowing if I give in I will care, but that is not what I am feeling right now and right here. I am in the moment and I don't care.
People tell you to stay in the moment, but if you are dieting, you absolutely can't stay in the moment or you would be stuffing your face. You have to hope some future moment will alleviate that feeling and put you back in place, but ... but.
Right now I just don't care. I am going to bed.
I am the only one who really cares about how much I weigh. And when I get to a certain point I don't care. I am hungry and I am tired of eating tasteless boring food and I just want to eat something that taste good.
But I know also I will care in about 10 minutes, I will care the next day, I will care when I have gained 20 pounds, but in that dangerous moment I don't care.
And that is the crux of it all. Can I remember that I care when I am not caring. Can I out wait the frustration and hunger knowing if I give in I will care, but that is not what I am feeling right now and right here. I am in the moment and I don't care.
People tell you to stay in the moment, but if you are dieting, you absolutely can't stay in the moment or you would be stuffing your face. You have to hope some future moment will alleviate that feeling and put you back in place, but ... but.
Right now I just don't care. I am going to bed.
T: I care about you and I always will. I know you care but it cannot be easy. I am here for you, Love you, Kimmy
ReplyDeleteI care....and I count on you to care.
ReplyDeleteI care thin or heavy or in between. XOXO
ReplyDeleteI think that looking towards the future is a good idea sometimes (though I understand staying in the moment too..a lifetime is usually not a helpful future orientation). Sometimes I think, "if I eat this, how will I feel afterwards?" And then I compare how good it would feel to eat whatever it is versus the mental anguish that I know that I'm going to experience afterwards. I think, "its better to suffer less now to save me from more suffering later. But there's no escaping the suffering."
ReplyDeleteYou're on the road to keeping up tap, personal trainer, swimming, biking, PLUS walking "Today" and "Thunder" - that's one heck of a lot of calorie burn off. If you decide to cook for yourself (and me maybe sometimes?), you're in control.
ReplyDelete